Umm, tasty!

Sometimes irony is so delicious that you might as well be eating 3 flavors of ice cream, in a chocolate dipped waffle cone ... that doesn't have any calories!

Well, just when I was starting to think that my break with thtudnwmtb was permanent and that all she cared about was whether her alimony check was in the mail or not something happened.  We got a letter from the refinancing company who handled the refinance.  The town was misspelled in the paperwork so they sent us an letter informing us.

But ... wait for it! ... our name was misspelled.

I think that thtudnwytb has missed me

The reason I think thtudnwytb has missed me is that the renters called on Sunday night and said "We’re moving out."  Sadly the lady lost her job and was moving in with her mother in Brooklyn. So, as the best part of our President’s Day holiday we visited thtudnwytb.

It was just like coming home.  Coming home to a pool table, several TVs, a computer, tools, a washer and dryer and about five sewing machines (she worked as an upholster).  We are going to give them a couple more days to pick up their stuff before we decide to leave it in the house as a housewarming gift for the new tenants.

Things I will miss about the old tenants:

1.  Never needing to go over to the house. 

2.  Depositing the rent in cash every month and feeling like a drug dealer.

3.  Sleeping (now I will spend my nights hyperventilating until we find new tenants)

So, as a special treat for the children we went over to the house to clean!  I was concerned that Will would see the house and refuse to get out of the car but it has been so long that he entered the house without protest.  And better yet … he stayed inside!  There was no running down the street to get away from thtudnwmtb.  I was happy about that.

The children were so delighted to help clean and did such a great job that I threatened to leave Jacob and Lizzy at the house until they actually did something.  It was so fun that we went back today and spent another couple of hours.  But I am mostly done -- except for removal of the stuff they left and I’m going to repaint the basement floor.

Admit it … you missed thtudnwytb too!

Thtudnwmtb

I’ve been sick for three weeks and I blame thtudnwmtb.

It was my husband’s idea to buy her and I reluctantly agreed.  However, clearly my brain was vacationing in Mexico that week because I forgot … 1. That he travels all the time.   2. That thtudnwmtb does not go with him.  3. If he’s gone and the house is here defacto thtudnwmtb become completely my problem.

My way to deal with problems is to ignore them.  Thus we’ve been paying two mortgages for several months because why pay just one when you can have a vacation house fifteen minutes away?  Yes, fifteen minutes away is my kids’ dream home that William will run uphill in the middle of the street to get away from and the rest of kids ask weekly when we will sell it so they can stop going over there to work on it.

Today da, da, da, da we rented it.

They gave me the first and last month’s rent and the security deposit in cash!

 …

I’ve decided to officially rename thtudnwmtb It Who Must Not Be Named!

Thtudnwmtb Update

Status Updates:

Motherof4:  I’m tired of thtudnwmtb.  I’m sick of painting, raking and bagging leaves, ripping up carpet, writing checks and bribing my children with donuts.  (Although, I still think that whole “work for donuts” deal rocks!  Unrelated note:  Dunkin' Donuts had a Royal Wedding donut, which was nice because I might not have realized that the RW was last week.  Sadly the over the top coverage in the Globe hadn't tipped me off.) 

Status:  Chubby.  I, unfortunately, have to admit that after days of buying donuts for the kids, on Saturday I broke down and bought one for myself.

THTUDNWMTB:  Naked basement, carpet install scheduled, some windows almost replaced, not completely painted, yard cleanup in process.

Chris the Plumber:  Richer by many thousands of dollars.  Number on speed dial.

Charlie the Plaster:  Gave him the wood burning stove in the basement.  Passed on his info to Marcy.  I think we may be in a break because seriously, we haven’t talked in a while.  I’m hurt.  Well, not really because last time we talked he told me he was going to vote for Donald Trump and frankly, I’m not sure I can have any kind of relationship with someone who is going to vote for someone who styles his hair in “The Donald.”

Fatherof4:  In transit.  I’m not sure where he is this week but last week he was in California and Baltimore.  His life consists of work, travel, working on thtudnwmtb, paperwork and camping out with scoutlings.  Status:  Tired

3 of the 4 children:  Whiny, sick of working on the house on Saturdays.  They have probably eaten close to the equivalent number of donuts in the past several weeks that they ate the previous year.

Remaining Child:  Not wearing pants.  Ok, not true because he is at school and they make him wear pants.  But he wasn’t wearing pants shortly before he left on the bus and then when the bus actually arrived I noticed that he was wearing several cups of peanut butter on his clothes; so, he actually has already worn two pairs of pants today which is more than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.  (I didn’t tell him that he was lucky I didn’t have time to give him his second shower of the morning.)

Marcy:  Has found us potentially two renter possibilities.  Status:  Awesome!

Teaching my children the value of work

Is really hard because they may not know how to work, however, their mouths still function and are capable of issuing complaints.  Their brains still work and are capable of conspiring together to create work stoppages.  I tried to explain to the children they do not belong to a union and that their membership in my little slave community is what I like to call “forced” to work.  Unfortunately, they outnumber me, have pouting skills and are really suborn.

I love this – they cost me a lot of money and I don’t even get the equivalent in forced labor from them.  Perhaps I should have thought this through earlier before I had so many.  Oh well, too late now.  I shall in the future revenge myself on them by feeding their children energy drinks and sending them home late at night.

Best. April. Vacation. Ever.

We were planning on going to D.C. again.  After all there are plenty of art museums I haven’t dragged my children to.  But we bought thtudnwmtb and my husband suggested we stay home and work on it instead.

He’s in South Carolina.

So, today I took Bri and Elizabeth to thtudnwmtb, handed each a shovel and asked them to scrape little pieces of dried drywall off the basement cement.  Bri felt a little awkward about it because two plumbers were in the basement putting in our boiler and it was just weird.  Elizabeth was just annoyed she couldn't help me paint.  I told her not to worry; there was plenty of painting to be done.

I’m paying them in Dunkin’ Donuts.

Bri’s poison:  Jelly Filled

Elizabeth’s:  White frosting with sprinkles

Most awesome part of the day from Elizabeth’s perspective:  Spying on the neighbor who was dumping his leaves in our yard.

Most awesome part of the day from my perspective:  Bringing the Dunkin’ Donuts’ card with 1 penny on it rather than the one with twenty bucks.  “Really you want me to pay more than that?”  Next question:  How long have I been hanging on to that card?  

And why?

Chris the Plumber is Gaslighting me!

Well, either Chris the Plumber or thtudnwmtb.  I’m going with Chris the Plumber (because I can).  I ignored a phone call while at a parent meeting at Will’s school.  Thankfully, because it would have freaked me out!  And oh, it would have been delightful for his teachers to overhear.  And let’s not kid ourselves … I would have marched back into my meeting and told everyone about the message because that’s the kind of thing I do because I’m brilliant and occasionally lack a filter between my brain and mouth.

In the message Chris the Plumber said we bounced a check.  I was horrified and embarrassed!  You see I’d checked the balance.  A couple of weeks ago I asked my husband, “husband, do we have enough money in the bank account to write multiple, large checks for plastic surgery for thtudnwmtb?  I think she’s been down and deserves a little ‘pick me up.’”

Husband said, “Yes.”  See!  I checked the balance!

I called my husband because I expect him to be able to fix everything through the phone from New Jersey.  He didn’t answer.  So, I called the bank.  There was plenty of money.  We didn’t bounce a check.  I think Chris the Plumber is just playing with us.

You win this round, Chris the Plumber.  But remember it’s not just us you’re playing with … you’re also playing with thtudnwmtb and frankly, my money’s on her.

Failure in Execution

Sometimes it doesn’t work out.  Sometimes being yesterday.  It being thtudnwmtb.  And no, you don’t get to say “I told you so!”  Sorry, maybe next time.  (However, if you come help me paint I will allow you to say “I told you so” and have it apply retroactively.)

I was painting thtudnwmtb.  I bought a sample can to try to match the gray in the kitchen. 

It didn’t. 

And I bought a “plastic roller for decorative finishes” to add a decorative painting finish.  

I didn’t.  (It might have worked for someone else who actually knows how to paint decoratively; but sadly, I do not.)

(I blame my father – after all I grew up in the house where I could paint my room any shade of Arizona White I wanted.)

After looking at the now splotchy (but not in a good way) kitchen walls and myself now covered in paint specks from the “plastic roller for decorative finishes” (I may not have created an attractive splotchy finish but found out I am incredibly efficient at spreading flecks of paint around) I decided just to repaint the kitchen.

I have decided to auction off the plastic paint roller for decorative finishes for charity.  I’m torn between Someone Needs to Take Me Out For Dinner or the I Need A House Cleaner charities.  (I’m torn because they both just do so much good!)

I’m losing my mind

I went over to thtudnwmtb specifically to give Chris the Plumber a check.  Chris the Plumber came over to thtudnwmtb specifically to get a check.  I grabbed the checkbook on the way out the door and drove to thtudnwmtb.  However, when I pulled the checkbook out of my purse the checks were all used up.  Chris the Plumber left without his check and I mopped the floor and then returned home.

When I got home I started looking for my checkbook.  I started to panic when I couldn’t find it.  Then I looked in my purse.  Yes, it was there.  Apparently, I put it in last night so I wouldn’t forget it.

Status Update:

Thtudnwmtb:  sucking money, downstairs dewalled, drying out

Chris the Plumber:  Thinks I’m flaky. (I forgot my checkbook another day as well and had to drive back to pay him.)

Charlie the Plasterer:  Loves me, has a pulled muscle.

Me:  has a misplaced mind and is so behind the times.  “No one says BFF or BFFL anymore, mom!”  Then when I informed her that she was the one who told me about BFFL Bri responded, “yeah, in fifth grade.”[i]

---

[i] It was later than that though, because seriously I barely remember last week.  I’m sure I wouldn’t remember BFFL from 4 years ago.