2011 Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah!  (Eventually I will just send out Happy Hanukkah letters as more and more of my friends are Jewish.)

Summary of 2011:

Husband:  Worked too many hours, too many days, traveled too much.  His elm tree is still alive but I’m not holding my breath.  He spends his days trying to convince me to travel to weird places.  He desperately wants to move to a warm place where he can spend his days (at least those days he’s not travelling) not huddled in a blanket next to a space heater.

Me:  Found out that Weight Watchers isn’t very effective if you don’t follow the program.  Drove kids around a lot.  I’m still teaching adorable toddlers at the Y once a week.  Apparently I’m pretty mean because I made a special needs teacher cry.  I’m on two special needs boards, I might join one more for the rest of the year because that’s apparently what I’m collecting.

Brianne:  is a sophomore in high school.  Quit taking piano and started violin lessons.  Oddly, her hair is starting to turn red.  Bri loves going to seminary, reading, playing the piano, music, singing in the choir and studying.  (All but one of those is true.)  She decided she wants to score films or video games.

Jacob:  is in 8^th grade.  He’s attending a charter school.  Reassuringly enough his hair is still red.  He loves playing games, the computer, playing D&D as a after school activity, also signed up to be in a Shakespearean play again.  He loved fencing but it was too hard to work into the schedule.  Bri was teaching him piano but it didn’t work out so he’ll start with a new teacher in January.

William: is a punk who still uses pinches as words.  Fortunately for him, he is cute and cuddly so I forgive him.  He is doing really well at school.  He is starting multiplication and has improved a year’s worth of reading in the last year.  He has gained both weight and inches this year and will probably tower over the whole family soon.  He started getting allowance this year and is currently in the process of collecting every Dr. Seuss book app he can find on itunes.  I jealously guard my password but he attempts to guess it.  Bri started to teach Will piano.

Elizabeth: has taken flute lessons for about 9 months and is doing well.  Hurray!  She is in 4^th grade and is actually doing her assigned reading this year.  She likes playing basketball and takes hers to school every day.  She likes to wear hats.  She wears the same fleece every day.   She is adorable and cuddly and still will hold my hand.

It’s been a good year, busy but good. 

Love,

 us

Exercising is Dangerous

I have quadricep tendonitis from doing step-ups at the Y.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten a lot more athletic injuries.  I broke a bone in my foot playing basketball when I was about 12 but that was about it for my youth.  But as an adult I hurt my foot playing kickball with my kids, (I’m sure it had nothing to do with my choice of foot wear – flipflops.) ripped tendons and ligaments in my ankle trying to teach Bri how to ride a bike and now my step-up injury!  What’s next?  Spraining my wrist while trying to change the station on the TV?

Fortunately the treatment for quadricep tendonitis is to sit on my butt for the next six weeks … THANK YOU Universe! … uh, I mean no problem.

My Inner Teenage Boy

A couple of weeks ago I went to the Breaking Dawn with some friends.  I prepared myself for Kristen Stewart’s twitching er … acting by watching this:

I was pleasantly surprised that the movie was pretty good.  Because, according to one of my friends, Kristen Stewart didn’t have many lines.  (She nailed it!)

However, I was most excited when I saw this preview start!  Before they even said his name I knew it was John Carter of Mars and started excitedly, shout whispering, “It’s John Carter of Mars!  It’s John Carter of Mars!  I can’t wait to see this movie!”

Because yes, as a teenage boy I read the series and the Tarzan series and even Conan.

Bri’s Christmas Concert

I enlisted Jacob to babysit Will so I could go listen to Brianne.  I haven’t taken Will to one of Bri’s concerts since I realized that it was absurd to bring music with headphones to a concert and bring books to distract him then spend most of the concert stressing about Will yelling and ruining the concert for everyone else.  So I leave him home and we’re both happier.

Bri had to be there an hour early to rehearse so I brought my iPad to play solitaire on because it’s totally worth it to buy an iPad to play games on because it is so difficult to find anything else you can play that on. 

Moving on.

An older man was interested in the iPad so I told him a little about it.  I mentioned that my son loved the Dr. Suess books on the iPad and that we were slowly buying every book as it came out.  He asked how old my son was.

“12, he has autism.”  I added because something needed to be said to explain his age and interest in Dr. Suess.

Mother Meltdowns

Some studies show that married, childless by choice couples are happiest of all.  Ok, I can see that …  sometimes.  When I called someone (who shall remain nameless because I can’t resist typing up what she said) to complain about my children not doing anything they are suppose to, she commiserated with me.  “I’ve heard that children make you happier.”  I said, “but I don’t buy it.”

She agreed, “I bought that crap five times!”  And 40 minutes later we both felt better.

I came home and told my husband I wasn’t going to make dinner again for two weeks.  “What about Will?”  He asked. 

“Oh, I’ll make dinner for him, you and me.”  I said.  “How long will it be until the kids notice?”  I asked.

We made a bet but I think the bet is moot now because I sprained my knee while doing step ups at the gym on Friday and have been either in bed or on crutches since and I think my kids will attribute the lack of food to my injury rather than a consequence to their mother’s possible meltdown.

November Books

Young Adult:

Dark of the Moon by Tracy Barrett:  If you want to read a new twist on mythology this is how it is done.  Yes, Rick Roridan I’m talking to you.

Entwined by Heather Dixon:  A new twist on the 12 Dancing Princesses.  I liked it.

Secondhand Charm by Julie Berry:  Female protagonist and unexpected story line.

Crossed  by Allie Condie:  The second of the trilogy.  Darker than Matched (my favorite of the two) sets up the third book.

Unearthly by Cynthia Hand:  I liked this.  Angels who don’t sparkle but have Glory.

What Happened to Goodby by Sarah Dessen:  Not a huge fan of Sarah Dessen (Brianne really likes her) because I’m probably too old.  This one was pretty good.

Adult:

Edge by Jeffery Deaver:  Ironically I had already read this.  I checked it out again and realized that on the first page.

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman:  Anything by Gaiman is really good.  This was as expected.  Interesting book, well-written., highly recommended.

Broken Window

The window that Jacob accidentally broke will cost $334 to replace.  Do you think if I  put a big bow on it, bring him in the play room Christmas morning and say "Merry Christmas!"  He'll say Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.?  What if I use Jazz Hands?

Thanksgiving and the Next Day

On Thanksgiving we had thirteen people over for dinner then we played games.  We played Agricola and now my friend Raskell is addicted to it.   “You’re welcome Raskell!”  (Really I’m just excited that someone else wants to play it with me.)  We are so much fun that some of our friends didn’t leave until midnight.  (Not that I blame them of course!  Reason 1:  I’m fantastic, Reason 2: Agricola is fantastic.)

Then Bri and I decided to go shopping Friday morning.  I set my alarm for 7.  I was tired but got up.  Selfishly I love the whole open at midnight thing (not really I think people should be able to spend Thanksgiving day and now the night with their families) because other people can wait in line and go crazy and Bri and I can show up at Target at 7:45am, get everything I want except a $15 handheld mixer thing and have to cashiers ready to ring us up.  Then we went to Old Navy where again the line wasn’t too long and then we went to Kohl’s.  Bri found a wonderful present for me to buy for my husband.  I cannot mention what it was because he reads my blog but it is fantastic and he really wants it (or at least he will once he gets it!).  Bri said she gets to use it while he is travelling.  Then we went to Payless because Bri couldn’t find any shoes at Kohl’s or Target.   I spent a frightening amount of money. Hmmm … oh well.

When we came home everyone else, except William because he was busy watching TV, was cleaning out the garage because a possum had been living there because the cat who sleeps in the garage apparently took out an ad for a roommate.  I explained to the cat that she is not allowed to get roommates, sublet or have loud parties in the garage!  She looked at me and walked away.  I decided to take that as agreement.

Sadly my kids had asked me if they could spend Friday not cleaning and I agreed forgetting that I had already agreed with their father that we would spend the day raking and/or cleaning out the garage.

Sad Face.

So when I got home I started blowing and raking up the five inches of pine needles that covered up my back yard.  We had already filled up 27 leaf bags so we were forced to take the additional 20? bags of pine needles and  dump them in our back, back yard behind our fence.  Hopefully we never decide to use that land for anything because it is 3 feet higher than it was when we moved in and I really really don’t want to bag that many leaves and needles.

I was raking so vigorously that I didn’t notice a blister the size of a grapefruit form on the bottom of the inside of my thumb until it popped.  (FYI: popped blisters sting when you do dishes.)  I mentioned to my husband that I probably have another ten hours of raking to do and he helpfully suggested that I have time next week when our children are in school.  So considerate, my husband.

My back and shoulders are quite sore. 

A Three Migraine Week

First Migraine:  A $550 pair of Tweezers

Oh, and it was definitely worth every penny! 

My main toilet backed up and I had someone come unplug it.  He had to come back the next week then I called someone else three weeks later.  Tweezers coupled with a small plastic medicine cup equaled the problem.

Migraine Two:  Our special education PAC exploded and now there are only three of us to do the work.  And we had already announced we were leaving when our terms expired.

Migraine Three:  Jake broke one of our windows in our four season porch.  He threw his wooden sword at something and hit the window. 

Another Moment of Being Fantastic

I took Bri and Lizzy to Target because Bri needed mascara.  I ended up with an eye shadow stick.  But I don’t know why I bought it because my tendency towards frumpiness usually extends towards the wearing of makeup.

I bought Lizzy two pairs of leggings to wear under her pants for the winter because she gets cold (genetic pre-disposition from her father) and I usually have her wear snow pants from December until April but then her teachers start saying things like “Lizzy, you don’t need to wear snow pants when there isn’t any snow.”  So I decided that long-johns or legging were the way to go.  She also decided she needed ear muffs and a slushy.

… Later that night she came up to me with her tooth in a sandwich bag.  “Mom, the last time I lost a tooth you didn’t give me money.”

“Go get a dollar from my purse.”

“No, it’s ok.  I’ll just put the tooth under my pillow.”

“If you want a dollar you better go get it.”

Impressive isn’t it that my children have to play tooth fairy for themselves?

Instant Messaging Marcy

I posted "the only good thing about accidentally kicking the wall was that the ensuing toe pain distracted me from my headache" on facebook.

Marci asked, "What happened?"

I answered with the obvious, "Sheer unadulterated talent."

At which point she suspected possible impairment (which in my case can only be sleep deprivation because I am a puritan) and she instant messaged me, "seriously, what did you do?"

walked out of the bathroom

I killed the electric pencil sharpener, how is that for talent?

that's awesome someone should pay you for that

how much do you think I could charge to go around and randomly kill small electric appliances?

I don't know but I'll ask my husband to write you a business plan

you do that and let me know when he stops laughing.

come on ... surely someone would pay for that

And that my friends is why I love Marcy.

... because she dangerous.

My loveliest Birthday Card!

The card came in the mail two days before my birthday because my friend loves sending cards and notes.  I lack in the card and note giving but I assume my friends and family forgive me because I’m charming, um … witty scattered.

An excerpt reads, “I marvel at the way you’ve taken life’s challenges, swallowed hard, and done your best.”

It’s not true … but I love the sentiment.

Cleaning out my Freezer

If there is any benefit to one’s power being out for four days due to a hurricane, it could be the necessity of cleaning out your freezer.  Although Will nearly went crazy and Marcy and Cheryl still laugh at the contents of my freezer I was glad that the universe forced me to empty it. 

(And I think that many people probably routinely have 14 packages of frozen peas and 8 packages of frozen mango in their freezer.)

But I’m curious about what the universe was trying to say to me when my power went out again over the Halloween weekend.  I had replaced some of the peas.  I had 4 packages.

Was that the problem?  Universe, do you not want me to buy peas unless I’m going to eat them?

….

I’m going to stop buying peas because I think it’s safer.

The Zombie Song

My nephew Taylor posted this on facebook and I thought it was too good to keep to myself.

The only thing that is better is the video.

It's even better than candy!

I was out trick or treating with Lizzy when I saw a truck with flashing lights by a power line and (yes!) it looked like a street light was on on my street.

My power is back on! My power is back on!  

It is unfortunate that graphics and flashing words are beyond my ability to blog because that is what those two sentences need.

Electricity ... I've missed you!  Please never leave me again.  First you left me for a week for Irene and now because it snowed two days before Halloween?  Electricity, I think you're a little too high maintenance.

A Friday in October

I actually thought I was going to get home five minutes early from dropping Brianne off at school.  Which would have been fantastic but I was stuck behind a school bus that was stuck behind a garbage truck … and yes, I had to wait for both to stop.

After the kids left for school I took a nap.  Because I still have my cold probably because I don’t get enough sleep. 

Then I got a crown.  (For my mouth unfortunately!)

Then I picked up Bri to take her to the orthodontist and she came out with her braces still on.

Soon enough all my kids were home from school and I had to threaten them with dismemberment to get them to practice their piano, violin and flute.  Bri I threatened with non-attendance at a party.

I dropped Bri off for a party at an incredibly large and well decorated house.  I’m not sure how many times my house would fit inside of it but I’m going with easily four.  I actually thought the private driveway was a road.  (Hey it was dark. And the lady in my navigator said we had arrived.)

And I listened to a lot of Adele today.  I love Set fire to the Rain!

A couple of people wished me a happy 29th birthday except for one over achiever who chose 27th

But I’ve earned 41 years and I claim them all.  And since I have a 15 year-old I’d rather be significantly older than 29!

I got the loveliest birthday card from Elizabeth.  It said, “First of all don’t open this card.  Second of all you’re the best mom in the world.  Third of all you can open this card.”

I did … and homemade confetti hearts fell out.  And a clue to a scavenger hunt.

My kids think that scavenger hunts are THE. FUNNEST. THING. EVER.  So often I will see them figuring out clues and running around the house.  My scavenger hunt was about fourteen clues long.  And at the end was my gift.

In Elizabeth’s painted wooden treasure box was a paper heart with William’s name on it.  One with Brianne’s, dad’s, Jacob’s, Lizzy’s, a Lizzy heart balloon and a paper “I heart You.”  It also included three chocolates, a sucker, a Hersey’s Kiss, bottle caps (because I know you love them) and a dollar bill.

It is seriously the best birthday gift I’ve ever gotten.

And Brianne made me a cake.

I walked into the kitchen in the middle of it and was promptly sent out with protestations of ruining surprises and being a stinker and at least you don’t know what flavor it is.  When I smelled burning I opened the oven and saw that Bri had decided to bake me a heart birthday cake.  Adorable.  Unfortunately the heart pan is smaller than a 9x13 inch pan and she had poured all the cake batter into it.  Cake batter had overflowed and was burning on the bottom of the oven.  I put a pan under the cake and shut the oven.

My cake ended up being cake balls.

I stuck a candle in one of them, lit it and let William blow it out.  (Because it is a tradition in our family for William to help everyone blow out their birthday candles because it makes him so happy!)

Our church choir sang Happy Birthday to me.

And Marcy and Cheryl took me out for a birthday lunch.  Yummy!

I followed an unlovely man into a store today

I don’t know what noise caused me to turn my head to look at him.  Probably a noise I wasn’t expecting but instantly recognized as belonging to one of ours.  He and his father silently walked through the parking lot and then into Target.  He had a messy head of dark brown hair and he clutched a blue washcloth tightly in his hand.  He awkwardly lumbered into the store and headed directly to the DVDs.  His father headed in the opposite direction.  I was ridiculously proud of him for being independent.  I lost sight of him when I headed towards the card section where I spent an absurd amount of time trying to decide on a Bar Mitzvah card for my friend’s son.

I was wandering the toy section when I heard him laugh.  I looked up and spotted him in his bright yellow polo.  We passed each other.  I eagerly said, “hi.”

“Hi.”  He responded and I saw my son’s future.

The phrase "unlovely men" can be found here.

I decided I’m an honorary Jew

As least I was today because I bought two loaves of challah AND took it to a synagogue … see, honorary Jew.  Dave’s Bar Mitzvah is Saturday and I’m trying to help Marcy as much as possible.  Helping Marcy generally means driving around with her and shopping or quickly driving to Macy’s to give her my opinion on a dress.

I am awesome.  (And available to drive around quite frequently.)

Oooo, spooky!

My friend Alycia’s phone called me twice yesterday.  When I called her back Alycia said that the actual caller was her phone.  I replied that her phone probably just missed me.

Upon reflection … I decided her phone was haunted.

I decided never to get on her phone’s bad side.

Because I’m chicken, uh smart!

Columbus Day

To celebrate Columbus Day I took my kids to Six Flags because nothing says, “Woot, woot Columbus!” to me as much as going to an amusement park.  Yeah, we’re patriotic like that.

It went much better than last time … mostly because I let Will sit for multiple periods of time and bought him French fries when he asked.  We went on Bizzaro together.  I was surprised since the last time we went to Six Flags Will spent most of the day saying, “No purple roller coaster!” anytime I asked if he wanted to go on a ride.

Investment Advice from my Fourteen Year-Old

My husband mentioned that Ford stock was above what we’d paid for it.  “Did you tell me that we bought some?”  I asked.

“I don’t know.”  He replied.  “But I told Jake and he suggested we not buy it because he said that there were a lot of car companies who made better cars.”

I looked at my husband and made a thoughtful face.  “Right, he responded.  “I held off buying it for a couple of days because he made sense.”

Allowance

We decided to start giving Will allowance so he has his own money to buy every Dr. Seuss book possible on his iPad stuff.  Ideally he will learn the value of and usefulness of money and become more empowered.  I’ve thought about the best way to do this for a while.

A couple of weeks ago I took Will with me to the store and he wanted some books.  I told him “no” because he doesn’t always get something when he goes to the store.  Apparently I’ve bought him something the last several times or he really, really wanted those Dr. Seuss books because he was upset and it took a significant amount of my strength to get him away from the book aisle.

Naturally by the time we left the store I forgot about the books but William hadn’t.  He bolted back in.  When I stopped him and he realized that he wasn’t going to get the books he started crying and sat down in a mini (though loud) temper tantrum.

The experience in the store made me realize that 1.  Will is huge.  2.  He has no control over what he gets.  3.  If I say “yes” to often it becomes an expectation that every time he asks for something he gets it.

Admittedly, I’ve said “yes” to a lot of things lately because I’m so excited that he wants something.  He didn’t want anything for years so my inclination is to say, “Oh, you want a pony?  Sure, we’ll keep it in Bri’s room.”

Foiled Again

Will called his dad over.  Sternly … when he had to call again.  “Dad come.”  Will handed him his iPad.  (Delete, delete, delete.)  Will says, “Moo, Baa, La La La.”  Will’s dad starts to type.  Will grabs the iPad.  (Delete, delete, delete.) 

Brianne helpfully gives her father some advice.  “Add spaces between the words.”

The app comes up.  Will pushes the button to buy it and hands it over.  “I don’t know the password.”  His father tells him ruefully.   Will looks at him in disgust and types in “password.”  It doesn’t work.

There Goes the Exercise Plan

I told Cheryl that if Will stopped by her house again when he was out for a walk and asked for a ride home, not to give him one.  She looked at me, her face equal parts aghast and concerned.

“… um, never mind.”  I said

She looked at me.  “And even if I wouldn’t my husband would.”  She stated flatly.

Young the Giant

Today is this kind of day.

“Girls like boys who have skills”

I cajoled Brianne into taking Will for a walk around the neighborhood as part of our “Reduce the Mass of William” Campaign.  (Don’t give me grief – you would do the same if your twelve year-old was about double the size of your fourteen year-old!)  Will does not love to go on walks.

They had walked up the short hill and down the long when Will took off across the lawn towards a house.  Bri saw that the TV was on in the house and was worried that Will was going to burst through the door and sit down!  She grabbed hold of his arm.  “Will stop!”  She commanded.  He ignored her command and dragged her towards the door.  (He also has about 50 pounds on my fifteen year-old.)

He ran the doorbell.

Bri was embarrassed until my friend Cheryl answered the door.  Will looked at Cheryl.  He walked over to her car, opened the door and got in.  When Bri followed him, Will locked the door.  Cheryl looked at Will and went to get her purse.  She drove him home.

Brianne – point, set, match to Will.

Dating … it’s come to that

My husband called me while he was driving back from wherever he was this week.  No, I rarely know what state and/or states he is planning on being in during a given week.  It’s something that happens when your spouse travels a lot.  You stop paying attention caring.

Anyway he called to ask me if I was busy tonight because he wanted to go on a date.  He missed me because I’m fantastic.  {Well, he has to think so because I slipped a legal clause into our marriage contract.  I plan for contingencies (if not for camping).}  He asked if I wanted to go out.

I said, “No,” because I have to finish my possibly 40 minute thing for a church training program tomorrow morning. (He did not put a non-procrastination clause into our marriage contract.)  We discussed watching a movie.  Then I said, “Yes, I do want to go out.  I need cat food and milk and bread.”

We are going to BJs for a date night.  And it was my idea … I suspect it’s a good thing that legally he is required to think I’m fantastic .

“Do really scary stories give you nightmares, mom?”

Well, actually they can.  There is a reason I have an irrational fear of sharks.  The reason is the nightmare I had the night I saw Jaws.  I also have an irrational fear of the women who cry bloody tears.  Thank you Vincent Price.

But even though Elizabeth was worried that she would frighten me by recounting the Scooby Doo movie she watched earlier that was in her own words “freaky!”  I was pretty sure I’d be ok.

Camping Part II

We went camping last weekend.  I was much better prepared this year because I camped next to the Raskells.  Our friend’s Tiffanie and Don go all out for July 4^th in Boston and I merely show up late and ask them for cold drinks and a snack.  So my brilliant plan for camping success was to 1. Camp with Don and Tiffanie and 2. Bring the High School Musical and Transformer blankets.

I am happy to report that camping was better this time, but wet and cold.  Because naturally shortly after being hit by Hurricane Irene, Vermont seemed like the best place to go camping.  (Meaning we had planned it prior to the floating away of half the state.  Have I ever mentioned that I can be rigid about plans? If I haven’t, let me mention that now.  I can be rigid about my plans even if they only exist in my head.)

Status Updates:

Husband:  Told he looked like someone ran him over with a truck while camping.  Talking into driving the kids an hour away to tour Ben and Jerry’s, while there was talking into buying the kids an obscene amount of ice cream to eat.  Currently in favorite parent spot.

Me:  Remembered to bring paper plates this time (was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I forgot serving/cooking utensils.  Can’t you do everything you need to with tongs?)  then realized I didn’t need to bring them because the Raskells were next door.  Wimping out of the tent and moving to a cabin for the second night was the BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Brianne:  Sad at the lack of teenagers.  Talked father into a two hour drive in a fantastic display of “wrapping your father around your finger because you are his little girl and he wants to make you happy.”  Awww.  Slept in swimming suit and pajamas the second night and we aren’t sure why.  A three-year old followed her around for two days.

Jake:  In his element.  Had a posse of 6 and 7 years-olds following him around the whole time.  And there were sticks.

William:  Still hates camping.  The first morning he wouldn’t talk to my husband for an hour.  Then Will looked at his dad.  “No camping!”  Will said.  Pausing for a moment, he thought of the only thing worse than camping.  “No two airplanes!”  He added.  On a positive note we now know where camping rates.  It’s better than flying.

Elizabeth:  I have no idea.   I barely saw her.  Trying to keep track of her was like trying to keep track of a unicorn.

The Raskells:  Just grateful for the opportunity to set up my tent, drive me around and feed me dinner …  And you’re welcome!

Living with a serial killer

Brianne’s kitty is a homicidal maniac and proof that instinct exists!  Because I sincerely doubt that any of my children taught her how to hunt.  I do, however, suspect that one of them taught her how to count.  I think she’s working overtime to feed us because “we are so many.”

Yesterday, Brianne saved a chipmunk from Kitty.  Two hours later I had the pleasure of walking into the garage later to find feathers and a dead bird.  And today I found some kind of chipmunk-like rodent.

I need to figure out a way to explain to the cat that A.)  Humans go to places like stores and buy food already packaged.  B.) I would have to be starving to eat something she killed.  C.)  I don’t like dead things around my house.  D.)  It’s not her job to feed me because I have something called money and even if I didn’t I have something called a husband.

Note to self:  Next time say no to getting a cat.

Mary, Mary

We sat down for dinner.  My husband asked Will.  “Do you want some green beans?”

“No green beans.”

“Do you want a hot dog?”

“No hotdog.”

“Do you want salad?”

“No salad.”

At this point I chimed in.  “Do you want a million dollars?”

“No million dollars.”

“Do you want a unicorn?”

“No unicorn.”

“ Do you want a pony?”

“No pony.”

“Do you want refried beans?”

“Yes refried beans.”

I sat on the plane playing Angry Birds with tears dripping down my face

I wasn’t sure exactly the best way to explain death to William but I knew it would wait until we got home.  My friend Cheryl called me while we were on our way to the airport with some awful news.  Will’s therapist Joan had died while we were on vacation.  She had been in a motorcycle accident four weeks earlier but I had talked to Joan twice before we left.  I thought she was going to be fine.  She told me that the doctor said it would take a year for a full recovery and that she wouldn’t be able to work with Will for a while.

It is possible to have a therapist come to your house four hours a week for a year, work with your child and not become friends; but often you do.  And we had.

I took William to the wake, hoping that he wouldn’t do anything inappropriate.  He pinched someone.  But she said it was alright and I decided to take her at her word. He pinched me a lot while I was talking to Joan’s mom and we quickly left.  I didn’t bring him to the funeral.

I don’t know how much he understood.

Party!

My power is back on!  My power is back on!  My power is back on! 

It’s a good thing because otherwise I think Will might have lost his mind.  He tried to go to bed at 8:00pm today.

It was actually pretty sad.  He came home from school and played on his iPad until it died then tried the TV and computer.  “Car, please.”  He asked.

“Where do you want to go?”  I asked.

“Home.”

“… uh, Will, we are home.  Do you want to go to Pete’s house?”

“Yes.”

He wanted to go to Pete’s because he knew that Pete had power and Blue’s Clues on demand.

So we went.  

I told Marcy I got her guest room.  I figured that was alright because I already had filled her fridge and freezer with the contents of mine.

This morning while I was taking a walk with Will a lot of people said, "hi."  People even waved at me from their cars.  It was weird.  I've lived on the east coast for so long that I was a little suspicious.

Then I realized.  Yes, people are that friendly in Utah.  From that point on I kept one eye one Will and one eye on everyone else so I could respond to their friendly greetings. 

I think I'll be more comfortable when I get back home and I can ignore everyone like usual.

Vacation Bonus:  Elizabeth chipped her front tooth ... naturally we have a family picture on Sunday.

A Working Vacation

My little sister is putting me to work while I am staying with her.  Her pathetic excuse ... a three month-old baby.  I don't really buy it.  I think she's a lollygagger.  So, I'm cooking and watching William.  And today, today she forced me to sew her adorable 4 year-old a pirate vest for his birthday.  I felt like saying, "Excuse me I'm on vacation!"

But I didn't.  Mostly because I get to hold a beautiful baby girl whenever I want to.  But I still am holding a grudge that she didn't name the baby after me.

On Being Popular

Sometimes I wonder why people let us stay with them.  We eat a lot, take up a lot of space and Will still has accidents.  Right now my sister-in-law has three pairs of shorts drying on her back steps.  (We also increase the value of their house.)  He used a whole bottle of shampoo to give himself a bubble bath and peed on their couch twice.  And he pinches.

We've been here less than a day.  Oh, yes we are awesome.  And available.  When would you like us to visit?

On the positive side.  I did make lunch and key lime pie.  And my brother asked for pecan pie so I think they'll let us stay until I make him one.  (Strategically I think I'll put off making it for a day or so.)

Jane's Garden is trying to kill me

A gardening layperson might not realize that gardening is dangerous and would try to argue that the problem is actually me.

They would be wrong.

Occasionally when I hang out with my sister Jane I try to help her with her garden.  Not because I like gardening or want to be helpful but because she blocks the TV and blocks any computer site I want to waste time on.

Jane is exhausting to watch.  Between the constant cleaning, huge garden and bundle of kids she is always busy. I think I missed out genetically on whatever she has, but because I don't want her to think I'm a total slacker I help out even though I'd rather spend my day watching Charmed.

On Friday I offered to pick peaches for her because I love peaches and it isn't a lot of work to pick a basket.  While picking -- I WAS STABBED BY A EARWIG!  It hurt!  I shook my hand frantically trying to remove it from my hand.  It wouldn't come off.  I disgustedly thought I was going to have to touch it to get it out of my hand.  At which point I shook even harder and it finally came off.

I was done picking peaches.

I went over and started picking beans.  I stepped on a bee.  I am allergic to bees so that was a problem.  Fortunately two benadryls helped and my foot didn't swell up.  Both times I've stepped on a bee (because 3 out of the 3 times I've been stung I stepped on it-- I consider that a talent) I swelled up to my knee and couldn't walk for two days.

Status:  Really happy that I can walk and my leg didn't fall off.  Considering cutting out a chunk from the bottom of my foot because it itches and hurts and drives me crazy when I walk on it.

Jane's Garden, Well Played.  You win this time.

The way IT goes down in our house.

It starts with a conversation because it always starts with a conversation.  This one started with my husband mentioning we should refinance.  I asked if we were going to try to build a house.    The next day we looked at a house on almost 8 acres of land.  After all, one acre just wouldn’t be enough land.  But once I found out it takes four hours to mow I was considerably less interested in multiple acres of land and I didn’t like the house or like to move.

Long story short -- Someone dropped off the refinancing paperwork at our house today.

V-Day Countdown

I’m leaving for Utah in a couple of days.  I haven’t packed a thing, or gotten ready  so I decided today would be the perfect day to take the kids to a movie.  There is no easy way to say this … it you’re on the fence about taking your 9 and 13 year-olds to Cowboys and Aliens, you may not want to.  I loved it!  I love Daniel Craig and to be honest, I feel that it’s well worth the price of a movie ticket just to look at him.

Well worth … ahem, moving on.

Preparation for our Upcoming Vacation

Status Updates

Me:  So, not ready. 

Husband:  In process of coming home from Germany.

Brianne:  Needs to pack for camp (she's leaving on Monday) and for Utah

Jacob:  Needs to write two book reviews for school

William:  Hates to fly … really, really hates to fly!

Elizabeth:  Hates to do her jobs … really, really hates to do her jobs!

Watching a movie with William

I was watching Amazing Grace while folding laundry.  Will came and sat by me on the couch.  He laid down.  Got up, opened the ottoman took out his pile of blankets and laid back down on the couch.  He handed me Bri’s clothes to fold; probably because they were in his way.  Once I finished folding he pointed to my legs.  “Move, please.”  I moved my legs off the couch.  He pointed at me.  “Move please.” 

I stood up.  “Do you want me to sit on the other couch?”  I asked him.

Will pointed to what seemed like the exact spot I moved from on the couch.  I sat.  He scooted next to me and laid his head down in my lap.  Then he switched back to the other side.  He put a blanket in my lap.  Then another.  Then had me put my arms around them.  I looked at the similarly hugged pile of blankets on his lap.  We smiled at each other and I kept the blankets on my lap.

A conversation with my husband just before he left for Germany

Me:  “I’m really going to miss you!”

Husband:  “I’m really going to miss English.”

... 

I assume he was speaking German and the translation for that is "I'm going to be in emotional agony until I see you again."  

Brat

Bri is away for the week.  I told her I wanted her to call me four times a day.  (The key to negotiation is to start high.  What?  I have skills!)  She countered with never.  We compromised on every other day.

I happened to be on the phone when she called yesterday.

I called her back about 6 minutes after she called.

I called her an additional three or four times to no avail.

(This does not bode well for college.  I should probably learn to text.)

From her message I learned that she loves her Vermontian roommate.  She’s having so much fun.  She doesn’t miss me at all and she eats dinner.

Brat

Thtudnwmtb

I’ve been sick for three weeks and I blame thtudnwmtb.

It was my husband’s idea to buy her and I reluctantly agreed.  However, clearly my brain was vacationing in Mexico that week because I forgot … 1. That he travels all the time.   2. That thtudnwmtb does not go with him.  3. If he’s gone and the house is here defacto thtudnwmtb become completely my problem.

My way to deal with problems is to ignore them.  Thus we’ve been paying two mortgages for several months because why pay just one when you can have a vacation house fifteen minutes away?  Yes, fifteen minutes away is my kids’ dream home that William will run uphill in the middle of the street to get away from and the rest of kids ask weekly when we will sell it so they can stop going over there to work on it.

Today da, da, da, da we rented it.

They gave me the first and last month’s rent and the security deposit in cash!

 …

I’ve decided to officially rename thtudnwmtb It Who Must Not Be Named!

I’m attempting to raise non-wimpy children

But it can be difficult when you actually are a wimp.  I’m trying anyway.  (Mostly because I’m such a massive wimp that if my husband isn’t home I need the aforementioned children to dispose of any animal/insect life that I come in contact with.)  The second reason I’m trying is because I don’t want them to be as wimpy as I am.

I start the de-wimpification process by attempting to show that whatever is making my brain hyperventilate is not a big deal.  (I wanted to be an actor when I was in Junior High so in a way I’m actually living out a childhood dream.)  Usually they see through my attempts but I flatter myself … not always.  (Unless the creature has wings including butterflies! If it has wings in an enclosed space I am willing to sacrifice any child within reach!)

I’m not really a fan of coming into contact with any animal life … except as food or on TV.  Exception:  I think kittens are adorable.  Cats are tolerable.  I’m no longer a teenager so horses hold no allure for me.  Birds scare me.  And it goes downhill from there.

And so, it was with delight, that when I opened my front door last week to put Will on his bus, I found a chewed up mouse.  A gift from Brianne’s kitty to her.   (Considering that the cat has been outside for less than a month I’m worried that multiple corpses of dead birds and rodents will be lovingly placed at my front door!)

I immediately pounded on Brianne’s door, told her I was leaving in an hour and the bloody corpse better be gone before I had to leave again  … it was.

On a positive note Brianne is learning responsibility because I take no responsibility for deposing of dead things or finding someone to feed her cat while we are on vacation.

On a completely unrelated note does anyone want a cat? … Or small dead creatures?

Raking in the Dough

Well, not really.  We had a garage sale.  We split the money five ways.  I would have shared with William but 1. He didn’t help at all (seriously, he didn’t even come outside to look) and 2.  He doesn’t care about money at all.  We each ended up with $22.  Six cars came.   I don’t think it was a garage sale weekend … but the best part was that after the sale was over we loaded up the van and took the fantastic stuff that was left to the Salvation Army.  So, my garage is partially emptied out.  Hurray!

My husband and I blew our part of the money taking the kids out to dinner.

Globe Update

Even though I called them again they are still delivering the newspaper.  It's funny, every time I call they reassure me that I'm not being charged.  That is so not the point.  The problem is that I don't have time to read it everyday anymore and it's piling up in my house.  I'm turning into one of those people on Horders.  (No, not really but man, that's show is freaky! I watched one episode and almost threw up.  I can never watch another.)

How about a little whimsy?

Collection of Interesting Articles and Book List

I PLAYED THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY:  Fascinating concept, and why not have video games that teach you about complex and interesting current events?

TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS:  CONSERVATIVES MAY ACTUALLY BE NATURAL LIBERALS AT HEART, OP-ED  I’m interested in reading the study.

Knowledge-based gibberish:  Those in politics, medicine and business who rely on annoying verbal tics often don’t have their facts straight.

Book List:

I’m interested in a few books on the Parade’s recommended reading list.

Someone Crashed My Fourth of July Party

I know that technically “It wasn’t MY party,” and yes, I like all the people that came but seriously … I have a few expectations and one of those is that the world revolves around me.  For the last several years my personal party planners Tiffanie and Don get up in the wee hours of the morning, schlep a couple coolers of food, a canopy, and a tarp to mark our area and drive into Boston to hold a prime spot for me to watch the fireworks.  That way I can mosey my way into Boston at a realistic hour, enjoy an icy drink and watch fireworks with little cleanup before heading home.  

But this year the pleasure of my company wasn’t enough apparently (whatever) and four other families came too.  Darn it!  I had this completely worked out and now these four families are going to tell four families, and those four families are going …  I’m watching my sweet deal slip through my fingers.  Tiffanie is going to have to bring me a really good treat next year to console me!

The fireworks, of course, were spectacular!  This year was much more enjoyable because I left Will at home.  I asked Jake if he’d stay home and watch Will and surprisingly he said yes.  Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I didn’t press my luck by asking, “Are you sure?”  I might not have gone this year if I had to bring Will because it was so painful to do last year both literally (because he dug his fingernails into my arms) and figuratively (because of  … uh, multiple issues).

We’ll see how many people come next year.  I might have follow Tiffanie around and tell people they decided not to go.

Camping

Subtitle:  In a delightful bit of foreshadowing, I asked my husband soon after we arrived and in the middle of cooking dinner, “Do we have any plates?”

Several things went well and several things could have been improved upon.  Let’s start with what could have been improved.

1. Checking to see that you have actually brought dishes before arriving at the camp site.

2.  Not freezing every water bottle you are planning on bringing.

3. Just because it’s July doesn’t mean it will actually be warm.  Next time bring some blankets rather than just sheets!

4.  On your list of things to bring – include more items than just food.  Because while we definitely had enough food there were plenty of other useful items that would have been helpful.  Which brings me to …

5.  Don’t forget to bring depends.  We were fine.  We were overnight accidentless.  However, I was so worried about it I schlepped Will over to the bathroom in the middle of the night in the cold.  Super fun for both of us.

6.  Check where you are in relation to the bathrooms before you make a reservation.  Because you might not want to walk down a hill then up a hill to get there.  Other families might not want to be close the bathrooms … but we are not other families.

7. Write a social story about camping for Will because he doesn’t like it and will spend half the day sitting in the van, pinching people who wander too close to him and shouting, “no tent!” to anyone who tries to encourage him to sit in the tent.  Then at night he will refuse to sleep by himself in his personal airbed because 1.  It’s cold! And 2.  He’s camping in a tent.  He will end up sleeping by his father because he is a really good sport (as opposed to his mother who really, really, really does not want to get peed on!).  Then the mother will hear the father complaining that Will is a bed and pillow hog.

8.  I have to go back to the need for blankets or a sleeping bag beg because it was so cold the first night that Jake woke up and volunteered to sleep with Will because he was so cold!  (Keep in mind Jake would rather sleep on the floor than with Will because he also really, really, really does not want to get peed on!)  At which point I volunteered to sleep with Jake because huddling under a beach towel on Will’s airbed just wasn’t cutting it.  And I don’t recommend sleeping with Jake because he’s so bony and we fought over the beach towels.

9.  The extra-large campfire marshmallows (while looking very appropriate for camping) are not actually that great because the inside is still firm when the outside is ready to eat.  Recommendation:  Stick to the normal size.

10.  Leaving children with instructions to put away the groceries.  I still haven’t found the bacon and worse yet, our Friday morning breakfast was baconless!

What went better than could be expected.

1. Rejoicing that the camping box you brought but didn’t check actually had some plastic plates, four cups and some silverware.

2. None of the four airbeds leaked!  Woot (because you know if one had leaked , chances are it would have been the one I was using.)

3. Buying blankets at TJ Max.  We now have a very attractive set of camping blankets.  Let’s see Bri has a High School Musical blanket and Jake has a Transformers blanket.  I probably would have lived my whole life without either of those … and now I don’t have to.

4. Bringing games … oh, yes very fun!

5. My husband was laptopless because he just got a new laptop and his wireless card doesn’t work on the new one.  So, while he pecked out a few messages on his blackberry he really didn’t work at all.  Note to self:  Flush wireless card down toilet occasionally.

6. Berry cobbler in a dutch oven.  Very tasty.

7. Prepackaging food

8. Camping at a campground with showers.  A necessity with William.

9. Remembering to bring tweezers – Brilliant!

Status Updates:

Fatherof4:  Complains about being too old to sleep outdoors but I suspect he secretly loves it.  Dutch oven food cooker, regrowing a goatee

Motherof4:  Stresses over toileting issues/William/camping

Brianne:  Had fun

Jake:  loves camping, 1 tick removed

William:  Delighted to be home

Elizabeth:  loves camping, 1 tick removed

Mosquitos:  Lonely and hungry

In a moment of weakness

I agreed to go camping.   I used to enjoy it but then we had kids and it got a little more complicated.  Several years ago when Jake was a cub scout we signed up for a family weekend campout; but I looked at the tents and realized that William could leave when I was asleep without my knowledge so we didn’t stay the night.  My husband took the kids while I stayed home with William for the next couple of years.

So, although I have fears of not going home with the same number of children I come with and even though I’m concerned about toileting issues we are going to a campground at the Cape on Thursday.  (If you are prayerful at all, you might want to include me and Will.  Oh, and Lizzy because she has delicious blood that ticks prefer.)

The Boston Globe loves me

I don’t blame it because I am pretty awesome.  It just doesn’t want to let me go.  I have a newspaper addiction (thanks to my parents and their two newspapers a day habit) I started reading a paper at 16.  I economize by only taking one newspaper (even though I really would like two because I’m also interested in local news).  But ever since Marcy talked me into serving on two special education PACs (thanks Marcy) I haven’t had time to read the paper and it’s been piling up because I have an addiction and can’t recycle the paper until I read it.  I store the unread papers on my dining room chair so I can read while snacking.  This has led to me appearing much taller than I previously appeared.  While I feel that my newfound height gives me a menacing look that occasionally comes in handy when I’m trying to um … encourage Will to eat non-preferred food items, or while I’m glaring at my children for their atrocious table manners; I feel a little tottery.

(By the way did you know that “tettery” is not actually a word?  I know because I looked it up when I was auto corrected.  Now I wonder why I thought “tettery” was a word and how often I have used it incorrectly and if anyone noticed.)

So, the newspapers piling up coupled with my husband’s suggestion of cancelling it and buying an iPad for the equivalent of what I spend yearly on my subscription led to my decision to switch to a Sunday only subscription and an electronic subscription.

The Globe stopped delivering a daily paper for a week.  Then it started again.  I’ve called several times.  It’s still coming.  I’m only paying for Sunday but they love me so much they don’t want to give me up.  My pile disappeared during the week it didn’t come but now it’s piling up again.  Because, as with any drug, if it’s in your house it’s hard not to have a taste!

Quandary:  we’re going on vacation.

Solution:  I called the Globe and put in a vacation stop and restart (yes, for the paper I’m not paying for).  They asked if I wanted to donate the paper to their high school reading program.

I said, “Yes.”

Getting Old

My dad called me today to see if I was alive since I hadn’t posted anything for so long.  My kids’ last day of school was last Wednesday and Will’s vacation week is this week … it’s been a little busy.  Then my dad told me that he wrote his obituary.  I thought it was an awesome idea and told him I was going to write my own as well.  I asked him if he had everything else set for his funeral yet.  I think he better get on that before Alzheimers sets in.   I figure that neither of us will escape it because my grandma had it.

With that in mind I asked him, “How much have you been forgetting lately?”

His response … “Not nearly enough.”

Bri waited in the car

After picking up Bri from swim practice I had to stop at the grocery store to buy bacon for Jake’s end of the year crew breakfast.  She decided to wait in the car because she was … well, wet.  When I came back she had changed my phone’s wallpaper to a picture of her making a face.  

She had written “lol, hahahaha” on it and changed the background to black.  When I remarked on the picture she responded, “you’ll never be able to take the writing off the picture.”

“Why not?”  I asked.

“Because you don’t know how to.”

Freedom is in sight

Well, at least for the kids.  My busy season is fast approaching.  Tomorrow is Bri’s last day. Wednesday is Jake’s and Lizzy’s.  And Will gets next week off.  Bri leaves for a youth trip Thursday morning.  And on Friday I’m taking Jake and Lizzy to Six Flags.  Marcy’s husband Tom and Dav are coming.  Marcy said she didn’t want to go and volunteered to take Will off the bus when she gets Pete.  I, not being one to pass on an opportunity, took her up on her offer.  I’ll admit I wasn’t looking forward to taking Will without my husband because he pinches at Six Flags … a lot!

Traumatizing Brianne’s Cat

I think I traumatized Kitty more than she’s ever been in her life and that includes taking her away from her mother!  She had a vet appointment and hasn’t ridden in a car for months.  I think I thought this car ride would be just like that one but didn’t take into consideration that 1. She’s not a kitten anymore and 2. No one was holding the box on their lap.

I put her in a box.  I found a build a bear box.  “Perfect!”  I thought, “It has a hole so she can breathe and a handle for carrying.  Unfortunately, I didn’t take into consideration it was designed for transporting stuffed animals rather than real ones.  I buckled the box into a seat and one minute later Kitty came and visited me.  How relieved I felt that the box was safe for the ride.

I didn’t take Kitty straight to the vet because I like to complicate things.  I dropped her off at my friend Karen’s house she would kitty-sit for an hour.  “She can stay in her box for the whole hour.”  I offered.  Karen said she didn’t need to.  That was fortunate because when I tried to put her back into her traveling box she refused.  I could have forced her but I really needed a third hand and I only had two available.  I carried her into Karen’s house.  After watching Lizzy read her Beethoven biography project I returned for the cat.  I didn’t try putting her into the box this time, I carried her to the car.  But I wrapped myself in a blanket before I picked her up … she hated being in the car.

We got to the vet’s ten minutes early.   I carried Kitty into to the waiting room.  There were three dogs there!  Kitty’s heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would burst from her chest!  She was shaking with fear.  I took her out.  I walked around to the back door to talk to someone.  There was another dog!  I told them we would wait in the car.  We waited for 50 minutes.

She got shots.  The office probably smelled like dog.  She had to ride in a car multiple times.  She was put in a box.  She was left with a stranger.  She saw 4 DOGS!  WORST. DAY. EVER!  I tried to pet her yesterday after we got home.  She kind of froze with fear.  She didn’t run away but was really suspicious.  I’m going to have to feed her a significant amount of meat to get her to trust me again.

Priorities

Why is it that if the fate of the world lay in the balance, able to be saved by the mere act of throwing away an apple core in the garbage Will would drop the core on the ground without a care?  Why is he seemingly unable to throw away apple cores, banana peels, empty bags of cereal, chips or marshmallows yet is as likely to throw a fork away as to leave it on the table?

Autism, I have to admit, this is what makes me want to slap you!  I don’t care about a lot of physical things, as evidenced by my almost exclusive ten year history of clothes shopping at Target, the fact that I have four children and use to cut my own hair.  But autism, I hate cheap silverware.  It bends.  It doesn’t weigh enough.  It just doesn’t feel right.  Autism, I had a set of 24 and now I only have seven knives left!  Yes, yes I know I should occasionally look through the garbage.  It would be like having a smelly Christmas once a day.  But I spent 36 years not looking through the garbage and if my history is any guide it will take me over twenty years before I even start to look through it once a week.

Tonight I needed the paddle for my breadmaker.  I looked and looked and looked but couldn’t find it and was getting frustrated when I had the thought … “it’s in the garbage.”  I looked.  It wasn’t in it but I found a bowl.  So I went to the garage and sure enough, it was there.

I also have been missing the recipe booklet that came with the breadmaker and I suspect it’s in the garbage too.  But I didn’t look for it.  The garbage can keep it.  And I’m beginning to suspect Will threw away the cordless phone that has been tying up my phone line for three days.

Stopping Time

I believe I’ve mentioned once or twice that Lizzy is stubborn.  That she refuses to put anything in her hair.  That she only likes to wear particular clothes.   That once she makes up her mind about something it’s pretty much over.  

Well, I’m a little conflicted to report that she wore a ribbon flower clip in her hair along with Bri’s old yellow dress, white sweater and heeled sandals.  She looked beautiful!  I’ve been very frustrated that she wouldn’t let me dress her in Mary Janes and Plaid skirts but instead insists on wearing camouflage shorts, XL Men’s tee-shirts and sneakers intended for boys.  And she is all or nothing about her hair.  Meaning she either chooses to wear no barrettes or six (a look we all occasionally like to sport).

She’s growing up.  She informed me yesterday that she’s “basically in fourth grade.”  I want to freeze time.  I want to cuddle up with Lizzy and not let her grow up.

But if I have to let her grow up, at least it comes with a hairstyle change.