It was just a matter of time

I was waiting for it to happen. We were so close to leaving that I thought maybe it won’t. But it did today. I was in the living room when I noticed the front door was wide open. First thought, “Why don’t the kids close the door?” second thought, “William!” I ran to the door and looked down the hall. Will was just opening the glass fire door. He was wearing only a pair of underwear put on backwards with just a hint of crack showing. I ran full speed down the hall. I looked towards the elevator. No. I ran to the next hallway. There he is! He’s trying to open a random door! Luckily it was locked. I don’t know how I would have explained that one as Will and I both ran through their apartment.

I’m glad I caught him within seconds of leaving. That would have been a little embarrassing going from door to door looking for a boy with crack.

Overheard from the front seat

Last night, Jake and Lizzy got their yellow belts. On the way to Mad Willies to get ice cream to celebrate, Jake's friend said to him. "When we get our black belts we'll probably be teenagers and can drive. We can go to a bar and buy beer to celebrate."

There was a pause. I waited to hear if Jake would respond. Silence. Then I said, "We don't drink." But if we did, Jake would have a drinking buddy.

Banished from the Balcony

Yesterday I wrote about how much Will liked to play on the balcony naked. Well, he ran out on the balcony and knocked the screen door out. He broke it. I tried to put it back in but it won’t slide. Oops, there goes our deposit. But worse than that, now he can’t play out there because unfortunately I hate bugs more than I love him (not really). I had to capture a bee and release it into the wild after it flew into our apartment; and since I’m not really an animal person that was a waste of 5 minutes that I could have spent watching mindless TV. Thus poor William will be banished from the balcony for three weeks until we move into our house.

How dare you, Rachel Ray!

I’m sure everyone not living under a rock has heard the horrifying news about Rachel Ray. Her stylist wrapped her in a paisley scarf that apparently looked like a keffiyeh if you squinted and tilted your head. Horror, horror! I think we should ban all scarves so as not to be confused with Yasser Arafat. I don’t care if he is dead someone may think I am a bearded old guy if I wear a scarf.

Quite frankly, I don’t think we should stop there. I am really not pleased with the Chinese record on human rights. Let’s ban Chinese food and North Korean food. Iranian food . . . well, why don’t we just drop Prez. Bush off in Iran and tell him not to come home to Texas till he’s sorted out that mess. And if he never fixes the problem well then, I guess we win either way.

FREEDOM

Will has discovered the balcony. He likes to go out there and sit, or stomp round. He took about five blankets and several pillows out there the other day. I guess even Will wants his own room. My husband is a little concerned that he is hanging out there mostly naked. I really don’t care. So what if it’s right next to route 9? We’re on the fifth floor. They’re driving to fast to notice. And a cute little squishy boy is happy watching the traffic, looking at the trees and stomping around.

America’s Most Wanted Here I Come

I’m a little bit of a criminal. It all started when I opened a letter that stated, “Notice of Warrant to Collect Your Taxes.” Say what? We didn’t pay the excise tax on the car we sold because we didn’t own it anymore. So naturally, they issued a warrant. I read the letter very carefully to see if I would be taking a vacation from my children in a secure facility. No, but someone would come looking for me in thirty days.

My husband hand delivered the information to the town offices but somehow it mysteriously disappeared. The assessor suggested that maybe my husband just didn’t quite give her all the information because he was stupid. I thought about that for a second, thought about her position of power over me, and politely agreed.

I regathered all the information to take to the city. I did another criminal act (getting to be quite a habit now isn’t it!) and took the paperwork down to the city offices. I paid my warrant fines of 32 dollars and 67 cents which ironically is more than the original excise tax.

Question: Does my town really think I wouldn’t pay $31 if I owed it? Perhaps it’s worth $31 to me to have a driver’s license.

Jake

"My dinner food section is full, but my desert food section is not."