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Knives

Several years ago I sat down and wrote out an email to send to Oneida to ask them to buy some more spoons and knives but I never figured out the style of silverware I have because I only keep boxes of things that I don’t and won’t need or boxes of things that broke several years ago.

Dear Oneida Customer Service Representatives,

I bought two sets of silverware. I planned on using them until I died at which point I thought I would probably will them to the favorite of my four children. However, one of my children is severely autistic with a penchant for throwing dishes, and other assorted items in the garbage. Unfortunately, I am a slow learner and as a result I have many forks and salad forks, a reasonable amount of knives, a few spoons and enough soup spoons. Why William decided that spoons are the least needed utensil I might never know. But I disagree with him. And as I am not willing to switch to a utilitarian spork (at least not yet) I am left with a quandary and spoon shortage.

I know that you do not usually sell spoons separately in this set but I hope that you will make an exception in the case of “an autistic child who throws away spoons” and allow me to buy some separately. I assure you, if you will allow me an exception, I will attempt to curtail William’s attempts to single-handedly fill up our town’s landfill with spoons! And needless to say I will will the silverware to a child who will not throw them away.

Sincerely and hopefully,

Mother of 4

Sadly since I was never able to figure out what style of silverware I own I was never able to send this email. And even more sadly William started throwing away more knives; culminating with our fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with 13 people and only seven knives. (Sharing is good right?)

After that my lack of knives became a source of amusement to my friends. Cheryl was delighted to add “lacking in knives” to my penchant for “keeping children’s eating hours.” However, when her mother called her to say she was in Oneida and asked if she wanted any silverware Cheryl stepped up to the plate and placed an order for 12 knives for me which her mother delivered! Best part? Well, if only cost me 7 bucks. Do I know how to shop or do I know how to shop*?

*Disclaimer: I actually do not know how to shop but am acquainted with people who do know how to shop.

2011 Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah!  (Eventually I will just send out Happy Hanukkah letters as more and more of my friends are Jewish.)

Summary of 2011:

Husband:  Worked too many hours, too many days, traveled too much.  His elm tree is still alive but I’m not holding my breath.  He spends his days trying to convince me to travel to weird places.  He desperately wants to move to a warm place where he can spend his days (at least those days he’s not travelling) not huddled in a blanket next to a space heater.

Me:  Found out that Weight Watchers isn’t very effective if you don’t follow the program.  Drove kids around a lot.  I’m still teaching adorable toddlers at the Y once a week.  Apparently I’m pretty mean because I made a special needs teacher cry.  I’m on two special needs boards, I might join one more for the rest of the year because that’s apparently what I’m collecting.

Brianne:  is a sophomore in high school.  Quit taking piano and started violin lessons.  Oddly, her hair is starting to turn red.  Bri loves going to seminary, reading, playing the piano, music, singing in the choir and studying.  (All but one of those is true.)  She decided she wants to score films or video games.

Jacob:  is in 8^th grade.  He’s attending a charter school.  Reassuringly enough his hair is still red.  He loves playing games, the computer, playing D&D as a after school activity, also signed up to be in a Shakespearean play again.  He loved fencing but it was too hard to work into the schedule.  Bri was teaching him piano but it didn’t work out so he’ll start with a new teacher in January.

William: is a punk who still uses pinches as words.  Fortunately for him, he is cute and cuddly so I forgive him.  He is doing really well at school.  He is starting multiplication and has improved a year’s worth of reading in the last year.  He has gained both weight and inches this year and will probably tower over the whole family soon.  He started getting allowance this year and is currently in the process of collecting every Dr. Seuss book app he can find on itunes.  I jealously guard my password but he attempts to guess it.  Bri started to teach Will piano.

Elizabeth: has taken flute lessons for about 9 months and is doing well.  Hurray!  She is in 4^th grade and is actually doing her assigned reading this year.  She likes playing basketball and takes hers to school every day.  She likes to wear hats.  She wears the same fleece every day.   She is adorable and cuddly and still will hold my hand.

It’s been a good year, busy but good. 

Love,

 us

Exercising is Dangerous

I have quadricep tendonitis from doing step-ups at the Y.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten a lot more athletic injuries.  I broke a bone in my foot playing basketball when I was about 12 but that was about it for my youth.  But as an adult I hurt my foot playing kickball with my kids, (I’m sure it had nothing to do with my choice of foot wear – flipflops.) ripped tendons and ligaments in my ankle trying to teach Bri how to ride a bike and now my step-up injury!  What’s next?  Spraining my wrist while trying to change the station on the TV?

Fortunately the treatment for quadricep tendonitis is to sit on my butt for the next six weeks … THANK YOU Universe! … uh, I mean no problem.

My Inner Teenage Boy

A couple of weeks ago I went to the Breaking Dawn with some friends.  I prepared myself for Kristen Stewart’s twitching er … acting by watching this:

I was pleasantly surprised that the movie was pretty good.  Because, according to one of my friends, Kristen Stewart didn’t have many lines.  (She nailed it!)

However, I was most excited when I saw this preview start!  Before they even said his name I knew it was John Carter of Mars and started excitedly, shout whispering, “It’s John Carter of Mars!  It’s John Carter of Mars!  I can’t wait to see this movie!”

Because yes, as a teenage boy I read the series and the Tarzan series and even Conan.

Bri’s Christmas Concert

I enlisted Jacob to babysit Will so I could go listen to Brianne.  I haven’t taken Will to one of Bri’s concerts since I realized that it was absurd to bring music with headphones to a concert and bring books to distract him then spend most of the concert stressing about Will yelling and ruining the concert for everyone else.  So I leave him home and we’re both happier.

Bri had to be there an hour early to rehearse so I brought my iPad to play solitaire on because it’s totally worth it to buy an iPad to play games on because it is so difficult to find anything else you can play that on. 

Moving on.

An older man was interested in the iPad so I told him a little about it.  I mentioned that my son loved the Dr. Suess books on the iPad and that we were slowly buying every book as it came out.  He asked how old my son was.

“12, he has autism.”  I added because something needed to be said to explain his age and interest in Dr. Suess.

Mother Meltdowns

Some studies show that married, childless by choice couples are happiest of all.  Ok, I can see that …  sometimes.  When I called someone (who shall remain nameless because I can’t resist typing up what she said) to complain about my children not doing anything they are suppose to, she commiserated with me.  “I’ve heard that children make you happier.”  I said, “but I don’t buy it.”

She agreed, “I bought that crap five times!”  And 40 minutes later we both felt better.

I came home and told my husband I wasn’t going to make dinner again for two weeks.  “What about Will?”  He asked. 

“Oh, I’ll make dinner for him, you and me.”  I said.  “How long will it be until the kids notice?”  I asked.

We made a bet but I think the bet is moot now because I sprained my knee while doing step ups at the gym on Friday and have been either in bed or on crutches since and I think my kids will attribute the lack of food to my injury rather than a consequence to their mother’s possible meltdown.