Knives

Several years ago I sat down and wrote out an email to send to Oneida to ask them to buy some more spoons and knives but I never figured out the style of silverware I have because I only keep boxes of things that I don’t and won’t need or boxes of things that broke several years ago.

Dear Oneida Customer Service Representatives,

I bought two sets of silverware. I planned on using them until I died at which point I thought I would probably will them to the favorite of my four children. However, one of my children is severely autistic with a penchant for throwing dishes, and other assorted items in the garbage. Unfortunately, I am a slow learner and as a result I have many forks and salad forks, a reasonable amount of knives, a few spoons and enough soup spoons. Why William decided that spoons are the least needed utensil I might never know. But I disagree with him. And as I am not willing to switch to a utilitarian spork (at least not yet) I am left with a quandary and spoon shortage.

I know that you do not usually sell spoons separately in this set but I hope that you will make an exception in the case of “an autistic child who throws away spoons” and allow me to buy some separately. I assure you, if you will allow me an exception, I will attempt to curtail William’s attempts to single-handedly fill up our town’s landfill with spoons! And needless to say I will will the silverware to a child who will not throw them away.

Sincerely and hopefully,

Mother of 4

Sadly since I was never able to figure out what style of silverware I own I was never able to send this email. And even more sadly William started throwing away more knives; culminating with our fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with 13 people and only seven knives. (Sharing is good right?)

After that my lack of knives became a source of amusement to my friends. Cheryl was delighted to add “lacking in knives” to my penchant for “keeping children’s eating hours.” However, when her mother called her to say she was in Oneida and asked if she wanted any silverware Cheryl stepped up to the plate and placed an order for 12 knives for me which her mother delivered! Best part? Well, if only cost me 7 bucks. Do I know how to shop or do I know how to shop*?

*Disclaimer: I actually do not know how to shop but am acquainted with people who do know how to shop.