A conversation with my husband just before he left for Germany

Me:  “I’m really going to miss you!”

Husband:  “I’m really going to miss English.”

... 

I assume he was speaking German and the translation for that is "I'm going to be in emotional agony until I see you again."  

Brat

Bri is away for the week.  I told her I wanted her to call me four times a day.  (The key to negotiation is to start high.  What?  I have skills!)  She countered with never.  We compromised on every other day.

I happened to be on the phone when she called yesterday.

I called her back about 6 minutes after she called.

I called her an additional three or four times to no avail.

(This does not bode well for college.  I should probably learn to text.)

From her message I learned that she loves her Vermontian roommate.  She’s having so much fun.  She doesn’t miss me at all and she eats dinner.

Brat

Thtudnwmtb

I’ve been sick for three weeks and I blame thtudnwmtb.

It was my husband’s idea to buy her and I reluctantly agreed.  However, clearly my brain was vacationing in Mexico that week because I forgot … 1. That he travels all the time.   2. That thtudnwmtb does not go with him.  3. If he’s gone and the house is here defacto thtudnwmtb become completely my problem.

My way to deal with problems is to ignore them.  Thus we’ve been paying two mortgages for several months because why pay just one when you can have a vacation house fifteen minutes away?  Yes, fifteen minutes away is my kids’ dream home that William will run uphill in the middle of the street to get away from and the rest of kids ask weekly when we will sell it so they can stop going over there to work on it.

Today da, da, da, da we rented it.

They gave me the first and last month’s rent and the security deposit in cash!

 …

I’ve decided to officially rename thtudnwmtb It Who Must Not Be Named!

I’m attempting to raise non-wimpy children

But it can be difficult when you actually are a wimp.  I’m trying anyway.  (Mostly because I’m such a massive wimp that if my husband isn’t home I need the aforementioned children to dispose of any animal/insect life that I come in contact with.)  The second reason I’m trying is because I don’t want them to be as wimpy as I am.

I start the de-wimpification process by attempting to show that whatever is making my brain hyperventilate is not a big deal.  (I wanted to be an actor when I was in Junior High so in a way I’m actually living out a childhood dream.)  Usually they see through my attempts but I flatter myself … not always.  (Unless the creature has wings including butterflies! If it has wings in an enclosed space I am willing to sacrifice any child within reach!)

I’m not really a fan of coming into contact with any animal life … except as food or on TV.  Exception:  I think kittens are adorable.  Cats are tolerable.  I’m no longer a teenager so horses hold no allure for me.  Birds scare me.  And it goes downhill from there.

And so, it was with delight, that when I opened my front door last week to put Will on his bus, I found a chewed up mouse.  A gift from Brianne’s kitty to her.   (Considering that the cat has been outside for less than a month I’m worried that multiple corpses of dead birds and rodents will be lovingly placed at my front door!)

I immediately pounded on Brianne’s door, told her I was leaving in an hour and the bloody corpse better be gone before I had to leave again  … it was.

On a positive note Brianne is learning responsibility because I take no responsibility for deposing of dead things or finding someone to feed her cat while we are on vacation.

On a completely unrelated note does anyone want a cat? … Or small dead creatures?

Raking in the Dough

Well, not really.  We had a garage sale.  We split the money five ways.  I would have shared with William but 1. He didn’t help at all (seriously, he didn’t even come outside to look) and 2.  He doesn’t care about money at all.  We each ended up with $22.  Six cars came.   I don’t think it was a garage sale weekend … but the best part was that after the sale was over we loaded up the van and took the fantastic stuff that was left to the Salvation Army.  So, my garage is partially emptied out.  Hurray!

My husband and I blew our part of the money taking the kids out to dinner.

Globe Update

Even though I called them again they are still delivering the newspaper.  It's funny, every time I call they reassure me that I'm not being charged.  That is so not the point.  The problem is that I don't have time to read it everyday anymore and it's piling up in my house.  I'm turning into one of those people on Horders.  (No, not really but man, that's show is freaky! I watched one episode and almost threw up.  I can never watch another.)

How about a little whimsy?

Collection of Interesting Articles and Book List

I PLAYED THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY:  Fascinating concept, and why not have video games that teach you about complex and interesting current events?

TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS:  CONSERVATIVES MAY ACTUALLY BE NATURAL LIBERALS AT HEART, OP-ED  I’m interested in reading the study.

Knowledge-based gibberish:  Those in politics, medicine and business who rely on annoying verbal tics often don’t have their facts straight.

Book List:

I’m interested in a few books on the Parade’s recommended reading list.

Someone Crashed My Fourth of July Party

I know that technically “It wasn’t MY party,” and yes, I like all the people that came but seriously … I have a few expectations and one of those is that the world revolves around me.  For the last several years my personal party planners Tiffanie and Don get up in the wee hours of the morning, schlep a couple coolers of food, a canopy, and a tarp to mark our area and drive into Boston to hold a prime spot for me to watch the fireworks.  That way I can mosey my way into Boston at a realistic hour, enjoy an icy drink and watch fireworks with little cleanup before heading home.  

But this year the pleasure of my company wasn’t enough apparently (whatever) and four other families came too.  Darn it!  I had this completely worked out and now these four families are going to tell four families, and those four families are going …  I’m watching my sweet deal slip through my fingers.  Tiffanie is going to have to bring me a really good treat next year to console me!

The fireworks, of course, were spectacular!  This year was much more enjoyable because I left Will at home.  I asked Jake if he’d stay home and watch Will and surprisingly he said yes.  Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I didn’t press my luck by asking, “Are you sure?”  I might not have gone this year if I had to bring Will because it was so painful to do last year both literally (because he dug his fingernails into my arms) and figuratively (because of  … uh, multiple issues).

We’ll see how many people come next year.  I might have follow Tiffanie around and tell people they decided not to go.

Camping

Subtitle:  In a delightful bit of foreshadowing, I asked my husband soon after we arrived and in the middle of cooking dinner, “Do we have any plates?”

Several things went well and several things could have been improved upon.  Let’s start with what could have been improved.

1. Checking to see that you have actually brought dishes before arriving at the camp site.

2.  Not freezing every water bottle you are planning on bringing.

3. Just because it’s July doesn’t mean it will actually be warm.  Next time bring some blankets rather than just sheets!

4.  On your list of things to bring – include more items than just food.  Because while we definitely had enough food there were plenty of other useful items that would have been helpful.  Which brings me to …

5.  Don’t forget to bring depends.  We were fine.  We were overnight accidentless.  However, I was so worried about it I schlepped Will over to the bathroom in the middle of the night in the cold.  Super fun for both of us.

6.  Check where you are in relation to the bathrooms before you make a reservation.  Because you might not want to walk down a hill then up a hill to get there.  Other families might not want to be close the bathrooms … but we are not other families.

7. Write a social story about camping for Will because he doesn’t like it and will spend half the day sitting in the van, pinching people who wander too close to him and shouting, “no tent!” to anyone who tries to encourage him to sit in the tent.  Then at night he will refuse to sleep by himself in his personal airbed because 1.  It’s cold! And 2.  He’s camping in a tent.  He will end up sleeping by his father because he is a really good sport (as opposed to his mother who really, really, really does not want to get peed on!).  Then the mother will hear the father complaining that Will is a bed and pillow hog.

8.  I have to go back to the need for blankets or a sleeping bag beg because it was so cold the first night that Jake woke up and volunteered to sleep with Will because he was so cold!  (Keep in mind Jake would rather sleep on the floor than with Will because he also really, really, really does not want to get peed on!)  At which point I volunteered to sleep with Jake because huddling under a beach towel on Will’s airbed just wasn’t cutting it.  And I don’t recommend sleeping with Jake because he’s so bony and we fought over the beach towels.

9.  The extra-large campfire marshmallows (while looking very appropriate for camping) are not actually that great because the inside is still firm when the outside is ready to eat.  Recommendation:  Stick to the normal size.

10.  Leaving children with instructions to put away the groceries.  I still haven’t found the bacon and worse yet, our Friday morning breakfast was baconless!

What went better than could be expected.

1. Rejoicing that the camping box you brought but didn’t check actually had some plastic plates, four cups and some silverware.

2. None of the four airbeds leaked!  Woot (because you know if one had leaked , chances are it would have been the one I was using.)

3. Buying blankets at TJ Max.  We now have a very attractive set of camping blankets.  Let’s see Bri has a High School Musical blanket and Jake has a Transformers blanket.  I probably would have lived my whole life without either of those … and now I don’t have to.

4. Bringing games … oh, yes very fun!

5. My husband was laptopless because he just got a new laptop and his wireless card doesn’t work on the new one.  So, while he pecked out a few messages on his blackberry he really didn’t work at all.  Note to self:  Flush wireless card down toilet occasionally.

6. Berry cobbler in a dutch oven.  Very tasty.

7. Prepackaging food

8. Camping at a campground with showers.  A necessity with William.

9. Remembering to bring tweezers – Brilliant!

Status Updates:

Fatherof4:  Complains about being too old to sleep outdoors but I suspect he secretly loves it.  Dutch oven food cooker, regrowing a goatee

Motherof4:  Stresses over toileting issues/William/camping

Brianne:  Had fun

Jake:  loves camping, 1 tick removed

William:  Delighted to be home

Elizabeth:  loves camping, 1 tick removed

Mosquitos:  Lonely and hungry