I just got a flu vaccine and haven’t become autistic yet!

I read versions of this comment on a couple “pro-vaccine” blogs in both comments and the body of the post. My first reaction was to mention that my grandma had Alzheimer's. My grandpa died from cancer. I’m allergic to bees and that my nephew died from a brain aneurysm a week after his thirteenth birthday; just in case they needed something else to mock.

I just got the flu vaccine and still not autistic.

The casual viciousness of it took my breath away and brought back memories of William’s regression. When Jacob regressed I didn’t understand what was happening. I just thought he wasn’t talking anymore and was channeling Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know he was autistic until more than a year later.

I just got the flu vaccine and still not autistic.

But William … William was normal, I didn’t have to worry about him; I was reassured less than two months before his regression. Then in the beginning of November 2000, he lost his eye contact. I knew what that meant but was helpless to stop it. I started working on improving his eye contact as if that would stop his regression. I forced him to sit on my lap and play peek-a-boo with me until he had better eye contact than my normal five year old. But I was helpless to stop the loss of babbling, language, sociability, and the cognitive loss of eight months of development. For the first time in my life I understood that heartache could actually be felt. I actually felt my heart breaking.

I just got the flu vaccine and still not autistic.

No one who has ever watched a child regress into autism would ever make a joke of it. Imagine watching your child being hurt and unable to stop it. Watching William become autistic was far more heartbreaking than Jacob being diagnosed. I watched him lose skill after skill helplessly. By the end of November, William had disappeared and I was left with a shell that was too impaired to even request a drink of water. The child that had sat on my lap and would listen to book after book a month sooner fought to leave after two pages. The child that a month sooner had to be in the middle of any activity left the room when other people were there. And my potentially brightest child regressed to the cognitive level of a nine month-old.

I just got the flu vaccine and still not autistic.

The deliberate cruelty of the statement floored me. Perhaps that’s what passes as humor for people who look forward to their child’s first date, prom, college, eventual marriage and future grandchildren. I look forward anxiously to a group home and hopefully a community center. They can hope that their children will become doctors. I worry that I won’t find a doctor that will accept adults with autism. And I worry that my son will be left to the mercy of their children.

I just got the flu vaccine and still not autistic.

Anyone who writes that or allows that comment on their blog without note has never watched someone they love disappear into the abyss of autism and the best part of me hopes they never do.