Life as the mother of 4

Being Bullied as a 41 year old

2012-02-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

At first I loved going to physical therapy. I’d lie down on a table and have my kneemassaged and ultrasounded (just pretend that word actually exists). Then things slowly started to change. At first it was a “just try this exercise” or“ride the exercise bike for 3 minutes on 0 resistance.” I made excuses for Deb. “She’s pregnant.” “She’s probably tired.” “Give her time,” I thought.

But slowly it got worse. I found it much hard to excuse the bridgesshe wanted me to do. 30! 20 of them with crossed legs! Last week she asked me to do step-ups! Step-ups, you might remember, is what causedmy quadriceps tendonitis in the first place! Did she care about me at all?

Finally I’d had enough! “You’re a bully!” I stated.

Surprised, she looked at me. (Probably trying to gaslight me into thinkingshe’d never heard that before.) “Arebullies positive and affirming?” Sheasked.

“Ok,” I conceded. “You’re a nice bully.”

She’s probably going to miss me a lot when I stopgoing to PT.

My daughter has a genetic pre-disposition to being a Chemistry Nerd

2012-01-31T09:03:00.000-05:00

After seeing Brianne's grades in algebra II, I have declared that she is no longer a math nerd. At this time I will submit that she is a Chemistry Nerd because her highest mid-term was in chemistry. Not being a chemistry nerd (well I can't say that with authority because I never took chemistry ... however, I am still pretty darn sure it's true.). But she is also a music nerd and as such she hooked me up with The Piano Guys who I will admit are pretty awesome even for none-music nerds such as myself. So do yourself a favor and check them out!

O Fortuna (because I adore Carmina Burana!!!)

And ~~Star~~ Cello Wars because it's awesome too!

You've probably already seen one of their videos but if you haven't check them out here.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

2012-01-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

If there is one person in my family who loves mid-century modern furniture it would be me. My grandma had a lovely dining room, living room set that ended up at my parents house and has now, naturally been distributed around the family. It's like a little mid-century modern fairy has visited my family -- leaving a desk here, a dining room table and chairs AND hutch there. ... Yet that mid-century modern fairy has not visited me. (In all honesty, I will concede that it might have if I didn't live in Boston some mere 2,500 miles away from the current location of the furniture the fairy might have visited me.) However, the mid-century modern fairy (AKA my mom) has agreed to give me the end tables and coffee table and I am currently making plans to swipe this dining room set from my sister while I am staying with her. The coffee and end table are the only reason I am contemplating a 2,500 mile drive because I am not sure an airline would consider an end table carry on despite the fact that I have enough children to allow me to bring the whole set. So unreasonable!

And I have gotten a verbal contract from my sister that if she ever gets rid of the dinning set she will give it to me. I am planning on firming that up with a written contract as soon as I put myself through law school.

Stuff My Kids Say

2012-01-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

“Lizzy,you’re wonderful!”

“I know.”

…

Afterchanging the bandage on Bri’s back, I said, “Brianne, I’m like a nurse.”

“No, you’renot.”

…

“Jacob,go clean the toilet.”

“That’snot on my job list.”

…

“Onefish, two fish.”

“Moveplease.”

“Alldone.”

Stealing a Defective Pen

2012-01-19T23:01:00.000-05:00

*Disclaimer: I realize that this post won’t make you wantto be my best friend but I’m posting it anyway because anything worth having (inthis case my friendship) is hard (in this case hard = the fear that I’m goingto steal a pen from you … because I might!)

Ipurposely steal a pen from my son’s dentist’s office every time I bring him. I steal one from the jar of pens on thecounter. I take it because they don’ttake my perfectly good Blue Cross Insurance from California. They only take Blue Cross from Massachusettsbecause it must be better. So, I payextra out of pocket. We’ll just callthat the autism premium.

Every timeI steal a pen I am pathetically attempting to punch The Man (in this case he ismore often referred to as a dentist … or a woman). Because The Man cares if I steal a pen becauseHe counts them and one of these days He’ll need one of the pens that I‘vestolen at a rate of two per year and IT WON’T BE THERE! AND HE WILL CRY … A LOT!

And ITWILL BE AWESOME!!!! (Or at least if would if I could see it. But I won’t be there so I will just imagineit in my head.)

Perhapsthe dentist realized through the strategic placement of hidden cameras that Isteal a pen every time I bring Will in. Perhaps that defective pen was intentionally placed! Perhaps The Man is retaliating? If so … well played sir. And I will have to switch up my game. Perhaps TWO pens next time. I guess I’ll find out in six months.

Oh, theanticipation!

Another Awkward Conversation I had with Myself

2012-01-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

Thismorning as I was listening to the radio on the way home fromdropping Will off at school I listened to a NPR segment on Martin Luther KingJr. and thought wouldn’t that be fantastic to meet him!

But whatwould I say? Because surely it wouldn’tbe awkward at all to have some random white woman come up to you and saysomething about how wonderful you are, what a difference you made in the world,that her kids love you and eventually you’ll have a national holiday but onlyafter you are murdered. I’d imagine differentemotions showing on his face starting with creeper and ending with how sad tohave a mental illness.

Idecided that I couldn’t have a conversation with him at all because I’d eitherwreak the space time continuum or freak him out so much that he’d run away fromme.

So, I finallydecided that it would be best if I’d just shook his hand and tried to keep mymouth shut.

….

Pleasetell me that other people have these kinds of conversations with themselves.

Bose should pretty much just hire me

2012-01-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

Since Bose’s SoundLink was my idea in the first place. A couple of years ago I asked my friend who works at Bose (He’s technically my husband’s third or fourth cousin but they didn’t know each other existed until we both moved three quarters the across the country and ended up in the same town. Crazy right? Wait … it gets crazier because there is another guy who moved here years ago who also is a distant cousin – seventh- and ended up in the same town as well! … hum, perhaps I should take credit for that as well.)

Anyway, I asked my third or fourth cousin-in-law Clark if Bose made any kind of speaker I could hook up Will’s iPad too because I was worried about Will going deaf or something. Bose didn’t.

Flash forward to a couple months ago. Clark gives us a beautifully wrapped present. It’s a SoundLink. He said that he’d worked on it for a year.

“Bose, You’re welcome.”

I’m not going to confirm my question being the genesis of the speaker because I’m sure of it in my head.

Here's a little bit of awesome!

2012-01-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

Knives

2012-01-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

Several years ago I sat down and wrote out an email to send to Oneida to ask them to buy some more spoons and knives but I never figured out the style of silverware I have because I only keep boxes of things that I don’t and won’t need or boxes of things that broke several years ago.

Dear Oneida Customer Service Representatives,

I bought two sets of silverware. I planned on using them until I died at which point I thought I would probably will them to the favorite of my four children. However, one of my children is severely autistic with a penchant for throwing dishes, and other assorted items in the garbage. Unfortunately, I am a slow learner and as a result I have many forks and salad forks, a reasonable amount of knives, a few spoons and enough soup spoons. Why William decided that spoons are the least needed utensil I might never know. But I disagree with him. And as I am not willing to switch to a utilitarian spork (at least not yet) I am left with a quandary and spoon shortage.

I know that you do not usually sell spoons separately in this set but I hope that you will make an exception in the case of “an autistic child who throws away spoons” and allow me to buy some separately. I assure you, if you will allow me an exception, I will attempt to curtail William’s attempts to single-handedly fill up our town’s landfill with spoons! And needless to say I will will the silverware to a child who will not throw them away.

Sincerely and hopefully,

Mother of 4

Sadly since I was never able to figure out what style of silverware I own I was never able to send this email. And even more sadly William started throwing away more knives; culminating with our fantastic Thanksgiving dinner with 13 people and only seven knives. (Sharing is good right?)

After that my lack of knives became a source of amusement to my friends. Cheryl was delighted to add “lacking in knives” to my penchant for “keeping children’s eating hours.” However, when her mother called her to say she was in Oneida and asked if she wanted any silverware Cheryl stepped up to the plate and placed an order for 12 knives for me which her mother delivered! Best part? Well, if only cost me 7 bucks. Do I know how to shop or do I know how to shop*?

*Disclaimer: I actually do not know how to shop but am acquainted with people who do know how to shop.

2011 Christmas Letter

2011-12-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah! (Eventually I will just send out Happy Hanukkah letters as more and more of my friends are Jewish.)

Summary of 2011:

Husband: Worked toomany hours, too many days, traveled too much. His elm tree is still alive but I’m not holding my breath. He spends his days trying to convince me totravel to weird places. He desperatelywants to move to a warm place where he can spend his days (at least those dayshe’s not travelling) not huddled in a blanket next to a space heater.

Me: Found out thatWeight Watchers isn’t very effective if you don’t follow the program. Drove kids around a lot. I’m still teaching adorable toddlers at the Yonce a week. Apparently I’m pretty meanbecause I made a special needs teacher cry. I’m on two special needs boards, I might join one more for the rest ofthe year because that’s apparently what I’m collecting.

Brianne: is asophomore in high school. Quit takingpiano and started violin lessons. Oddly,her hair is starting to turn red. Briloves going to seminary, reading, playing the piano, music, singing in thechoir and studying. (All but one ofthose is true.) She decided she wants toscore films or video games.

Jacob: is in 8^thgrade. He’s attending a charterschool. Reassuringly enough his hair isstill red. He loves playing games, thecomputer, playing D&D as a after school activity, also signed up to be in aShakespearean play again. He lovedfencing but it was too hard to work into the schedule. Bri was teaching him piano but it didn’t workout so he’ll start with a new teacher in January.

William: is a punk who still uses pinches as words. Fortunately for him, he is cute and cuddly soI forgive him. He is doing really wellat school. He is starting multiplicationand has improved a year’s worth of reading in the last year. He has gained both weight and inches thisyear and will probably tower over the whole family soon. He started getting allowance this year and iscurrently in the process of collecting every Dr. Seuss book app he can find onitunes. I jealously guard my passwordbut he attempts to guess it. Bri startedto teach Will piano.

Elizabeth: has taken flute lessons for about 9 months and isdoing well. Hurray! She is in 4^th grade and isactually doing her assigned reading this year. She likes playing basketball and takes hers to school every day. She likes to wear hats. She wears the same fleece every day. She isadorable and cuddly and still will hold my hand.

It’s been a good year, busy but good.

Love,

Exercising is Dangerous

2011-12-22T09:32:00.000-05:00

I have quadricep tendonitis from doing step-ups at theY. As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten alot more athletic injuries. I broke abone in my foot playing basketball when I was about 12 but that was about itfor my youth. But as an adult I hurt myfoot playing kickball with my kids, (I’m sure it had nothing to do with mychoice of foot wear – flipflops.) ripped tendons and ligaments in my ankletrying to teach Bri how to ride a bike and now my step-up injury! What’s next? Spraining my wrist while trying to change the station on the TV?

Fortunately the treatment for quadricep tendonitis is to siton my butt for the next six weeks … ~~THANK YOU Universe!~~ … uh, I mean noproblem.

My Inner Teenage Boy

2011-12-17T16:47:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I went to the Breaking Dawn with somefriends. I prepared myself for KristenStewart’s ~~twitching er~~ … acting by watching this:

I was pleasantly surprised that the movie was prettygood. Because, according to one of myfriends, Kristen Stewart didn’t have many lines. (She nailed it!)

However, I was most excited when I saw this preview start! Before they even said his name I knew it wasJohn Carter of Mars and started excitedly, shout whispering, “It’s John Carterof Mars! It’s John Carter of Mars! I can’t wait to see this movie!”

Because yes, as a teenage boy I read the series and the Tarzan series and even Conan.

Bri’s Christmas Concert

2011-12-16T22:50:00.003-05:00

I enlisted Jacob to babysit Will so I could go listen toBrianne. I haven’t taken Will to one ofBri’s concerts since I realized that it was absurd to bring music withheadphones to a concert and bringbooks to distract him then spend most of the concert stressing about Willyelling and ruining the concert for everyone else. So I leave him home and we’re both happier.

Bri had to be there an hour early to rehearse so I broughtmy iPad to play solitaire on because it’s totally worth it to buy an iPad toplay games on because it is so difficult to find anything else you can playthat on.

Moving on.

An older man was interested in the iPad so I told him alittle about it. I mentioned that my sonloved the Dr. Suess books on the iPad and that we were slowly buying every bookas it came out. He asked how old my sonwas.

“12, he has autism.” I added because something needed to be said toexplain his age and interest in Dr. Suess.

Mother Meltdowns

2011-12-12T14:49:00.001-05:00

Some studies show that married, childless by choice couplesare happiest of all. Ok, I can see that … sometimes. When I called someone (who shall remainnameless because I can’t resist typing up what she said) to complain about mychildren not doing anything they are suppose to, she commiserated with me. “I’ve heard that children make you happier.” I said, “but I don’t buy it.”

She agreed, “I bought that crap five times!” And 40 minutes later we both felt better.

I came home and told my husband I wasn’t going to makedinner again for two weeks. “What aboutWill?” He asked.

“Oh, I’ll make dinner for him, you and me.” I said. “How long will it be until the kids notice?” I asked.

We made a bet but I think the bet is moot now because Isprained my knee while doing step ups at the gym on Friday and have been eitherin bed or on crutches since and I think my kids will attribute the lack of foodto my injury rather than a consequence to their mother’s possible meltdown.

November Books

2011-11-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

Young Adult:

Dark of the Moon by Tracy Barrett: If you want to read a new twist on mythologythis is how it is done. Yes, RickRoridan I’m talking to you.

Entwined by Heather Dixon: A new twist on the 12 Dancing Princesses. I liked it.

Secondhand Charm by Julie Berry: Female protagonist and unexpected story line.

Crossed byAllie Condie: The second of thetrilogy. Darker than Matched (myfavorite of the two) sets up the third book.

Unearthly by Cynthia Hand: I liked this. Angels who don’t sparkle but have Glory.

What Happened to Goodby by Sarah Dessen: Not a huge fan of Sarah Dessen (Briannereally likes her) because I’m probably too old. This one was pretty good.

Adult:

Edge by Jeffery Deaver: Ironically Ihad already read this. I checked it outagain and realized that on the first page.

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman: Anything byGaiman is really good. This was asexpected. Interesting book, well-written.,highly recommended.

Broken Window

2011-11-29T08:28:00.001-05:00

The window that Jacob accidentally broke will cost $334 to replace. Do you think if I put a big bow on it, bring him in the play room Christmas morning and say "Merry Christmas!" He'll say Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.? What if I use Jazz Hands?

Thanksgiving and the Next Day

2011-11-25T20:41:00.001-05:00

On Thanksgiving we had thirteen people over for dinner thenwe played games. We played Agricola andnow my friend Raskell is addicted to it. “You’re welcome Raskell!” (ReallyI’m just excited that someone else wants to play it with me.) We are so much fun that some of our friendsdidn’t leave until midnight. (Not that Iblame them of course! Reason 1: I’m fantastic, Reason 2: Agricola isfantastic.)

Then Bri and I decided to go shopping Friday morning. I set my alarm for 7. I was tired but got up. Selfishly I love the whole open at midnightthing (not really I think people should be able to spend Thanksgiving day andnow the night with their families) because other people can wait in line and gocrazy and Bri and I can show up at Target at 7:45am, get everything I wantexcept a $15 handheld mixer thing and have to cashiers ready to ring usup. Then we went to Old Navy where againthe line wasn’t too long and then we went to Kohl’s. Bri found a wonderful present for me to buyfor my husband. I cannot mention what itwas because he reads my blog but it is fantastic and he really wants it (or atleast he will once he gets it!). Brisaid she gets to use it while he is travelling. Then we went to Payless because Bri couldn’t find any shoes at Kohl’sor Target. I spent a frightening amountof money. Hmmm … oh well.

When we came home everyone else, except William because hewas busy watching TV, was cleaning out the garage because a possum had beenliving there because the cat who sleeps in the garage apparently took out an adfor a roommate. I explained to the catthat she is not allowed to get roommates, sublet or have loud parties in thegarage! She looked at me and walkedaway. I decided to take that asagreement.

Sadly my kids had asked me if they could spend Friday notcleaning and I agreed forgetting that I had already agreed with their fatherthat we would spend the day raking and/or cleaning out the garage.

Sad Face.

So when I got home I started blowing and raking up the fiveinches of pine needles that covered up my back yard. We had already filled up 27 leaf bags so wewere forced to take the additional 20? bags of pine needles and dump them in our back, back yard behind ourfence. Hopefully we never decide to usethat land for anything because it is 3 feet higher than it was when we moved inand I really really don’t want to bag that many leaves and needles.

I was raking so vigorously that I didn’t notice a blisterthe size of a grapefruit form on the bottom of the inside of my thumb until itpopped. (FYI: popped blisters sting whenyou do dishes.) I mentioned to myhusband that I probably have another ten hours of raking to do and he helpfullysuggested that I have time next week when our children are in school. So considerate, my husband.

My back and shoulders are quite sore.

A Three Migraine Week

2011-11-23T21:57:00.001-05:00

First Migraine: A$550 pair of Tweezers

Oh, and it was definitely worth every penny!

My main toilet backed up and I had someone come unplugit. He had to come back the next weekthen I called someone else three weeks later. Tweezers coupled with a small plastic medicine cup equaled the problem.

Migraine Two: Ourspecial education PAC exploded and now there are only three of us to do thework. And we had already announced wewere leaving when our terms expired.

Migraine Three: Jakebroke one of our windows in our four season porch. He threw his wooden sword at something andhit the window.

Another Moment of Being Fantastic

2011-11-11T21:01:00.001-05:00

I took Bri and Lizzy to Target because Bri neededmascara. I ended up with an eye shadowstick. But I don’t know why I bought itbecause my tendency towards frumpiness usually extends towards the wearing ofmakeup.

I bought Lizzy two pairs of leggings to wear under her pantsfor the winter because she gets cold (genetic pre-disposition from her father)and I usually have her wear snow pants from December until April but then herteachers start saying things like “Lizzy, you don’t need to wear snow pantswhen there isn’t any snow.” So I decidedthat long-johns or legging were the way to go. She also decided she needed ear muffs and a slushy.

… Later that night she came up to me with her tooth in asandwich bag. “Mom, the last time I losta tooth you didn’t give me money.”

“Go get a dollar from my purse.”

“No, it’s ok. I’lljust put the tooth under my pillow.”

“If you want a dollar you better go get it.”

Impressive isn’t it that my children have to play toothfairy for themselves?

Instant Messaging Marcy

2011-11-09T18:04:00.003-05:00

I posted "the only good thing about accidentally kicking the wall was that the ensuing toe pain distracted me from my headache" on facebook.

Marci asked, "What happened?"

I answered with the obvious, "Sheer unadulterated talent."

At which point she suspected possible impairment (which in my case can only be sleep deprivation because I am a puritan) and she instant messaged me, "seriously, what did you do?"

walked out of the bathroom

I killed the electric pencil sharpener, how is that for talent?

that's awesome someone should pay you for that

how much do you think I could charge to go around and randomly kill small electric appliances?

I don't know but I'll ask my husband to write you a business plan

you do that and let me know when he stops laughing.

come on ... surely someone would pay for that

And that my friends is why I love Marcy.

... because she dangerous.

My loveliest Birthday Card!

2011-11-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

The card came in the mail two days before my birthdaybecause my friend loves sending cards and notes. I lack in the card and note giving but Iassume my friends and family forgive me because I’m ~~charming, um … witty~~scattered.

An excerpt reads, “Imarvel at the way you’ve taken life’s challenges, swallowed hard, and done yourbest.”

It’s not true … but I love the sentiment.

Cleaning out my Freezer

2011-11-06T18:08:00.001-05:00

If there is any benefit to one’s power being out for fourdays due to a hurricane, it could be the necessity of cleaning out yourfreezer. Although Will nearly went crazyand Marcy and Cheryl still laugh at the contents of my freezer I was glad thatthe universe forced me to empty it.

(And I think that many people probably routinely have 14packages of frozen peas and 8 packages of frozen mango in their freezer.)

But I’m curious about what the universe was trying to say tome when my power went out again over the Halloween weekend. I had replaced some of the peas. I had 4 packages.

Was that the problem? Universe, do you not want me to buy peas unless I’m going to eat them?

….

I’m going to stop buying peas because I think it’s safer.

The Zombie Song

2011-10-31T22:12:00.000-04:00

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://stephaniemabey.bandcamp.com/track/the-zombie-song"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;the zombie song by Stephanie Mabey&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;
My nephew Taylor posted this on facebook and I thought it was too good to keep to myself.

The only thing that is better is the video.

It's even better than candy!

2011-10-31T21:45:00.000-04:00

I was out trick or treating with Lizzy when I saw a truck with flashing lights by a power line and (yes!) it looked like a street light was on on my street.

My power is back on! My power is back on!

It is unfortunate that graphics and flashing words are beyond my ability to blog because that is what those two sentences need.

Electricity ... I've missed you! Please never leave me again. First you left me for a week for Irene and now because it snowed two days before Halloween? Electricity, I think you're a little too high maintenance.

A Friday in October

2011-10-28T23:21:00.001-04:00

I actually thought I was going to get home five minutesearly from dropping Brianne off at school. Which would have been fantastic but I was stuck behind a school bus thatwas stuck behind a garbage truck … and yes, I had to wait for both to stop.

After the kids left for school I took a nap. Because I still have my cold probably becauseI don’t get enough sleep.

Then I got a crown. (For my mouth unfortunately!)

Then I picked up Bri to take her to the orthodontist and shecame out with her braces still on.

Soon enough all my kids were home from school and I had tothreaten them with dismemberment to get them to practice their piano, violin andflute. Bri I threatened with non-attendanceat a party.

I dropped Bri off for a party at an incredibly large andwell decorated house. I’m not sure howmany times my house would fit inside of it but I’m going with easily four. I actually thought the private driveway was aroad. (Hey it was dark. And the lady inmy navigator said we had arrived.)

And I listened to a lot of Adele today. I love Set fire to the Rain!

A couple of people wished me a happy 29th birthday except for one over achiever who chose 27th

2011-10-25T09:04:00.000-04:00

But I’ve earned 41 years and I claim them all. And since I have a 15 year-old I’d rather besignificantly older than 29!

I got the loveliest birthday card from Elizabeth. It said, “First of all don’t open thiscard. Second of all you’re the best momin the world. Third of all you can openthis card.”

I did … and homemade confetti hearts fell out. And a clue to a scavenger hunt.

My kids think that scavenger hunts are THE. FUNNEST. THING.EVER. So often I will see them figuringout clues and running around the house. My scavenger hunt was about fourteen clues long. And at the end was my gift.

In Elizabeth’s painted wooden treasure box was a paper heartwith William’s name on it. One withBrianne’s, dad’s, Jacob’s, Lizzy’s, a Lizzy heart balloon and a paper “I heartYou.” It also included three chocolates,a sucker, a Hersey’s Kiss, bottle caps (because I know you love them) and adollar bill.

It is seriously the best birthday gift I’ve ever gotten.

And Brianne made me a cake.

I walked into the kitchen in the middle of it and waspromptly sent out with protestations of ruining surprises and being a stinkerand at least you don’t know what flavor it is. When I smelled burning I opened the oven and saw that Bri had decided tobake me a heart birthday cake. Adorable. Unfortunately the heartpan is smaller than a 9x13 inch pan and she had poured all the cake batter intoit. Cake batter had overflowed and wasburning on the bottom of the oven. I puta pan under the cake and shut the oven.

My cake ended up being cake balls.

I stuck a candle in one of them, lit it and let William blowit out. (Because it is a tradition inour family for William to help everyone blow out their birthday candles becauseit makes him so happy!)

Our church choir sang Happy Birthday to me.

And Marcy and Cheryl took me out for a birthday lunch. Yummy!

I followed an unlovely man into a store today

2011-10-21T08:55:00.002-04:00

I don’t know what noise caused me to turn my head to look athim. Probably a noise I wasn’t expectingbut instantly recognized as belonging to one of ours. He and his father silently walked through theparking lot and then into Target. He hada messy head of dark brown hair and he clutched a blue washcloth tightly in hishand. He awkwardly lumbered into thestore and headed directly to the DVDs. His father headed in the opposite direction. I was ridiculously proud of him for beingindependent. I lost sight of him when Iheaded towards the card section where I spent an absurd amount of time tryingto decide on a Bar Mitzvah card for my friend’s son.

I was wandering the toy section when I heard him laugh. I looked up and spotted him in his brightyellow polo. We passed each other. I eagerly said, “hi.”

“Hi.” He respondedand I saw my son’s future.

The phrase "unlovely men" can be found here.

I decided I’m an honorary Jew

2011-10-19T22:39:00.002-04:00

As least I was today because I bought two loaves of challah ANDtook it to a synagogue … see, honorary Jew. Dave’s Bar Mitzvah is Saturday and I’m trying to help Marcy as much as possible. Helping Marcy generally means driving aroundwith her and shopping or quickly driving to Macy’s to give her my opinion on adress.

I am awesome. (Andavailable to drive around quite frequently.)

Oooo, spooky!

2011-10-12T22:00:00.001-04:00

My friend Alycia’s phone called me twice yesterday. When I called her back Alycia said that theactual caller was her phone. I repliedthat her phone probably just missed me.

Upon reflection … I decided her phone was haunted.

I decided never to get on her phone’s bad side.

Because I’m ~~chicken, uh~~ smart!

Columbus Day

2011-10-11T13:34:00.002-04:00

To celebrate Columbus Day I took my kids to Six Flagsbecause nothing says, “Woot, woot Columbus!” to me as much as going to anamusement park. Yeah, we’re patrioticlike that.

It went much better than last time … mostly because I letWill sit for multiple periods of time and bought him French fries when heasked. We went on Bizzaro together. I was surprised since the last time we went to Six Flags Will spent most of the day saying, “No purple roller coaster!” anytime I askedif he wanted to go on a ride.

Investment Advice from my Fourteen Year-Old

2011-10-05T18:28:00.003-04:00

My husband mentioned that Ford stock was above what we’dpaid for it. “Did you tell me that webought some?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Hereplied. “But I told Jake and hesuggested we not buy it because he said that there were a lot of car companieswho made better cars.”

I looked at my husband and made a thoughtful face. “Right, he responded. “I held off buying it for a couple of daysbecause he made sense.”

Allowance

2011-10-02T10:00:00.001-04:00

We decided to start giving Will allowance so he has his own money to buy ~~every Dr. Seuss book possible on his iPad~~ stuff. Ideally he will learn the value of and usefulness of money and become more empowered. I’ve thought about the best way to do this for a while.

A couple of weeks ago I took Will with me to the store and he wanted some books. I told him “no” because he doesn’t always get something when he goes to the store. Apparently I’ve bought him something the last several times or he really, really wanted those Dr. Seuss books because he was upset and it took a significant amount of my strength to get him away from the book aisle.

Naturally by the time we left the store I forgot about the books but William hadn’t. He bolted back in. When I stopped him and he realized that he wasn’t going to get the books he started crying and sat down in a mini (though loud) temper tantrum.

The experience in the store made me realize that 1. Will is huge. 2. He has no control over what he gets. 3. If I say “yes” to often it becomes an expectation that every time he asks for something he gets it.

Admittedly, I’ve said “yes” to a lot of things lately because I’m so excited that he wants something. He didn’t want anything for years so my inclination is to say, “Oh, you want a pony? Sure, we’ll keep it in Bri’s room.”

Foiled Again

2011-09-30T22:24:00.000-04:00

Will called his dad over. Sternly … when he had to call again. “Dad come.” Will handed him his iPad. (Delete, delete, delete.) Will says, “Moo, Baa, La La La.” Will’s dad starts to type. Will grabs the iPad. (Delete, delete, delete.)

Brianne helpfully gives her father some advice. “Add spaces between the words.”

The app comes up. Will pushes the button to buy it and hands it over. “I don’t know the password.” His father tells him ruefully. Will looks at him in disgust and types in “password.” It doesn’t work.

There Goes the Exercise Plan

2011-09-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

I told Cheryl that if Will stopped by her house again when he was out for a walk and asked for a ride home, not to give him one. She looked at me, her face equal parts aghast and concerned.

“… um, never mind.” I said

She looked at me. “And even if I wouldn’t my husband would.” She stated flatly.

Young the Giant

2011-09-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today is this kind of day.

“Girls like boys who have skills”

2011-09-21T19:10:00.000-04:00

I cajoled Brianne into taking Will for a walk around the neighborhood as part of our “Reduce the Mass of William” Campaign. (Don’t give me grief – you would do the same if your twelve year-old was about double the size of your fourteen year-old!) Will does not love to go on walks.

They had walked up the short hill and down the long when Will took off across the lawn towards a house. Bri saw that the TV was on in the house and was worried that Will was going to burst through the door and sit down! She grabbed hold of his arm. “Will stop!” She commanded. He ignored her command and dragged her towards the door. (He also has about 50 pounds on my fifteen year-old.)

He ran the doorbell.

Bri was embarrassed until my friend Cheryl answered the door. Will looked at Cheryl. He walked over to her car, opened the door and got in. When Bri followed him, Will locked the door. Cheryl looked at Will and went to get her purse. She drove him home.

Brianne – point, set, match to Will.

Dating … it’s come to that

2011-09-16T18:22:00.000-04:00

My husband called me while he was driving back from wherever he was this week. No, I rarely know what state and/or states he is planning on being in during a given week. It’s something that happens when your spouse travels a lot. You stop ~~paying attention~~ caring.

Anyway he called to ask me if I was busy tonight because he wanted to go on a date. He missed me because I’m fantastic. {Well, he has to think so because I slipped a legal clause into our marriage contract. I plan for contingencies (if not for camping).} He asked if I wanted to go out.

I said, “No,” because I have to finish my possibly 40 minute thing for a church training program tomorrow morning. (He did not put a non-procrastination clause into our marriage contract.) We discussed watching a movie. Then I said, “Yes, I do want to go out. I need cat food and milk and bread.”

We are going to BJs for a date night. And it was my idea … I suspect it’s a good thing that legally he is required to think I’m fantastic .

“Do really scary stories give you nightmares, mom?”

2011-09-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

Well, actually they can. There is a reason I have an irrational fear of sharks. The reason is the nightmare I had the night I saw Jaws. I also have an irrational fear of the women who cry bloody tears. Thank you Vincent Price.

But even though Elizabeth was worried that she would frighten me by recounting the Scooby Doo movie she watched earlier that was in her own words “freaky!” I was pretty sure I’d be ok.

Camping Part II

2011-09-12T09:59:00.000-04:00

We went camping last weekend. I was much better prepared this year because I camped next to the Raskells. Our friend’s Tiffanie and Don go all out for July 4^th in Boston and I merely show up late and ask them for cold drinks and a snack. So my brilliant plan for camping success was to 1. Camp with Don and Tiffanie and 2. Bring the High School Musical and Transformer blankets.

I am happy to report that camping was better this time, but wet and cold. Because naturally shortly after being hit by Hurricane Irene, Vermont seemed like the best place to go camping. (Meaning we had planned it prior to the floating away of half the state. Have I ever mentioned that I can be rigid about plans? If I haven’t, let me mention that now. I can be rigid about my plans even if they only exist in my head.)

Status Updates:

Husband: Told he looked like someone ran him over with a truck while camping. Talking into driving the kids an hour away to tour Ben and Jerry’s, while there was talking into buying the kids an obscene amount of ice cream to eat. Currently in favorite parent spot.

Me: Remembered to bring paper plates this time (was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I forgot serving/cooking utensils. Can’t you do everything you need to with tongs?) then realized I didn’t need to bring them because the Raskells were next door. Wimping out of the tent and moving to a cabin for the second night was the BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Brianne: Sad at the lack of teenagers. Talked father into a two hour drive in a fantastic display of “wrapping your father around your finger because you are his little girl and he wants to make you happy.” Awww. Slept in swimming suit and pajamas the second night and we aren’t sure why. A three-year old followed her around for two days.

Jake: In his element. Had a posse of 6 and 7 years-olds following him around the whole time. And there were sticks.

William: Still hates camping. The first morning he wouldn’t talk to my husband for an hour. Then Will looked at his dad. “No camping!” Will said. Pausing for a moment, he thought of the only thing worse than camping. “No two airplanes!” He added. On a positive note we now know where camping rates. It’s better than flying.

Elizabeth: I have no idea. I barely saw her. Trying to keep track of her was like trying to keep track of a unicorn.

The Raskells: Just grateful for the opportunity to set up my tent, drive me around and feed me dinner … And you’re welcome!

Living with a serial killer

2011-09-09T14:02:00.000-04:00

Brianne’s kitty is a homicidal maniac and proof that instinct exists! Because I sincerely doubt that any of my children taught her how to hunt. I do, however, suspect that one of them taught her how to count. I think she’s working overtime to feed us because “we are so many.”

Yesterday, Brianne saved a chipmunk from Kitty. Two hours later I had the pleasure of walking into the garage later to find feathers and a dead bird. And today I found some kind of chipmunk-like rodent.

I need to figure out a way to explain to the cat that A.) Humans go to places like stores and buy food already packaged. B.) I would have to be starving to eat something she killed. C.) I don’t like dead things around my house. D.) It’s not her job to feed me because I have something called money and even if I didn’t I have something called a husband.

Note to self: Next time say no to getting a cat.

Mary, Mary

2011-09-05T08:55:00.000-04:00

We sat down for dinner. My husband asked Will. “Do you want some green beans?”

“No green beans.”

“Do you want a hot dog?”

“No hotdog.”

“Do you want salad?”

“No salad.”

At this point I chimed in. “Do you want a million dollars?”

“No million dollars.”

“Do you want a unicorn?”

“No unicorn.”

“ Do you want a pony?”

“No pony.”

“Do you want refried beans?”

“Yes refried beans.”

I sat on the plane playing Angry Birds with tears dripping down my face

2011-09-04T07:54:00.000-04:00

I wasn’t sure exactly the best way to explain death to William but I knew it would wait until we got home. My friend Cheryl called me while we were on our way to the airport with some awful news. Will’s therapist Joan had died while we were on vacation. She had been in a motorcycle accident four weeks earlier but I had talked to Joan twice before we left. I thought she was going to be fine. She told me that the doctor said it would take a year for a full recovery and that she wouldn’t be able to work with Will for a while.

It is possible to have a therapist come to your house four hours a week for a year, work with your child and not become friends; but often you do. And we had.

I took William to the wake, hoping that he wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. He pinched someone. But she said it was alright and I decided to take her at her word. He pinched me a lot while I was talking to Joan’s mom and we quickly left. I didn’t bring him to the funeral.

I don’t know how much he understood.

Party!

2011-08-31T22:35:00.000-04:00

My power is back on! My power is back on! My power is back on!

It’s a good thing because otherwise I think Will might have lost his mind. He tried to go to bed at 8:00pm today.

It was actually pretty sad. He came home from school and played on his iPad until it died then tried the TV and computer. “Car, please.” He asked.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked.

“Home.”

“… uh, Will, we are home. Do you want to go to Pete’s house?”

“Yes.”

He wanted to go to Pete’s because he knew that Pete had power and Blue’s Clues on demand.

So we went.

I told Marcy I got her guest room. I figured that was alright because I already had filled her fridge and freezer with the contents of mine.

2011-08-25T11:58:00.000-04:00

This morning while I was taking a walk with Will a lot of people said, "hi." People even waved at me from their cars. It was weird. I've lived on the east coast for so long that I was a little suspicious.

Then I realized. Yes, people are that friendly in Utah. From that point on I kept one eye one Will and one eye on everyone else so I could respond to their friendly greetings.

I think I'll be more comfortable when I get back home and I can ignore everyone like usual.

Vacation Bonus: Elizabeth chipped her front tooth ... naturally we have a family picture on Sunday.

A Working Vacation

2011-08-23T21:57:00.000-04:00

My little sister is putting me to work while I am staying with her. Her pathetic excuse ... a three month-old baby. I don't really buy it. I think she's a lollygagger. So, I'm cooking and watching William. And today, today she forced me to sew her adorable 4 year-old a pirate vest for his birthday. I felt like saying, "Excuse me I'm on vacation!"

But I didn't. Mostly because I get to hold a beautiful baby girl whenever I want to. But I still am holding a grudge that she didn't name the baby after me.

On Being Popular

2011-08-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why people let us stay with them. We eat a lot, take up a lot of space and Will still has accidents. Right now my sister-in-law has three pairs of shorts drying on her back steps. (We also increase the value of their house.) He used a whole bottle of shampoo to give himself a bubble bath and peed on their couch twice. And he pinches.

We've been here less than a day. Oh, yes we are awesome. And available. When would you like us to visit?

On the positive side. I did make lunch and key lime pie. And my brother asked for pecan pie so I think they'll let us stay until I make him one. (Strategically I think I'll put off making it for a day or so.)

Jane's Garden is trying to kill me

2011-08-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

A gardening layperson might not realize that gardening is dangerous and would try to argue that the problem is actually me.

They would be wrong.

Occasionally when I hang out with my sister Jane I try to help her with her garden. Not because I like gardening or want to be helpful but because she blocks the TV and blocks any computer site I want to waste time on.

Jane is exhausting to watch. Between the constant cleaning, huge garden and bundle of kids she is always busy. I think I missed out genetically on whatever she has, but because I don't want her to think I'm a total slacker I help out even though I'd rather spend my day watching Charmed.

On Friday I offered to pick peaches for her because I love peaches and it isn't a lot of work to pick a basket. While picking -- I WAS STABBED BY A EARWIG! It hurt! I shook my hand frantically trying to remove it from my hand. It wouldn't come off. I disgustedly thought I was going to have to touch it to get it out of my hand. At which point I shook even harder and it finally came off.

I was done picking peaches.

I went over and started picking beans. I stepped on a bee. I am allergic to bees so that was a problem. Fortunately two benadryls helped and my foot didn't swell up. Both times I've stepped on a bee (because 3 out of the 3 times I've been stung I stepped on it-- I consider that a talent) I swelled up to my knee and couldn't walk for two days.

Status: Really happy that I can walk and my leg didn't fall off. Considering cutting out a chunk from the bottom of my foot because it itches and hurts and drives me crazy when I walk on it.

Jane's Garden, Well Played. You win this time.

The way IT goes down in our house.

2011-08-10T18:57:00.002-04:00

It starts with a conversation because it always starts witha conversation. This one started with myhusband mentioning we should refinance. I asked if we were going to try to build a house. The next day we looked at a house on almost8 acres of land. After all, one acrejust wouldn’t be enough land. But once Ifound out it takes four hours to mow I was considerably less interested in multipleacres of land and I didn’t like the house or like to move.

Long story short -- Someone dropped off the refinancing paperworkat our house today.

V-Day Countdown

2011-08-08T22:28:00.003-04:00

I’m leaving for Utah in a couple of days. I haven’t packed a thing, or gotten ready so I decided today would be the perfect day totake the kids to a movie. There is noeasy way to say this … it you’re on the fence about taking your 9 and 13 year-oldsto Cowboys and Aliens, you may not want to. I loved it! I love Daniel Craigand to be honest, I feel that it’s well worth the price of a movie ticket justto look at him.

Well worth … ahem, moving on.

Preparation for our Upcoming Vacation

2011-08-05T00:12:00.000-04:00

Status Updates

Me: So, notready.

Husband: In processof coming home from Germany.

Brianne: Needs topack for camp (she's leaving on Monday) and for Utah

Jacob: Needs to writetwo book reviews for school

William: Hates to fly… really, really hates to fly!

Elizabeth: Hates todo her jobs … really, really hates to do her jobs!

Watching a movie with William

2011-08-01T22:48:00.000-04:00

I was watching AmazingGrace while folding laundry. Willcame and sat by me on the couch. He laiddown. Got up, opened the ottoman tookout his pile of blankets and laid back down on the couch. He handed me Bri’s clothes to fold; probablybecause they were in his way. Once Ifinished folding he pointed to my legs. “Move,please.” I moved my legs off thecouch. He pointed at me. “Move please.”

I stood up. “Do youwant me to sit on the other couch?” Iasked him.

Will pointed to what seemed like the exact spot I moved fromon the couch. I sat. He scooted next to me and laid his head downin my lap. Then he switched back to theother side. He put a blanket in mylap. Then another. Then had me put my arms around them. I looked at the similarly hugged pile of blanketson his lap. We smiled at each other andI kept the blankets on my lap.

A conversation with my husband just before he left for Germany

2011-07-30T16:14:00.001-04:00

Me: “I’m really goingto miss you!”

Husband: “I’m reallygoing to miss English.”

...

I assume he was speaking German and the translation for that is "I'm going to be in emotional agony until I see you again."

Brat

2011-07-27T08:53:00.001-04:00

Bri is away for the week. I told her I wanted her to call me four times a day. (The key to negotiation is to start high. What? I have skills!) She counteredwith never. We compromised on everyother day.

I happened to be on the phone when she called yesterday.

I called her back about 6 minutes after she called.

I called her an additional three or four times to no avail.

(This does not bode well for college. I should probably learn to text.)

From her message I learned that she loves her Vermontian roommate. She’s having so much fun. She doesn’t miss me at all and she eatsdinner.

Brat

Thtudnwmtb

2011-07-20T17:47:00.002-04:00

I’ve been sick for three weeks and I blame thtudnwmtb.

It was my husband’s idea to buy her and I reluctantly agreed. However, clearly my brain was vacationing inMexico that week because I forgot … 1. That he travels all the time. 2. Thatthtudnwmtb does not go with him. 3. If he’sgone and the house is here defacto thtudnwmtb become completely my problem.

My way to deal with problems is to ignore them. Thus we’ve been paying two mortgages forseveral months because why pay just one when you can have a vacation housefifteen minutes away? Yes, fifteenminutes away is my kids’ dream home that William will run uphill in the middleof the street to get away from and the rest of kids ask weekly when we willsell it so they can stop going over there to work on it.

Today da, da, da, da we rented it.

They gave me the first and last month’s rent and thesecurity deposit in cash!

…

I’ve decided to officially rename thtudnwmtb It Who Must Not Be Named!

I’m attempting to raise non-wimpy children

2011-07-18T08:56:00.002-04:00

But it can be difficult when you actually are a wimp. I’m trying anyway. (Mostly because I’m such a massive wimp thatif my husband isn’t home I need the aforementioned children to dispose of anyanimal/insect life that I come in contact with.) The second reason I’m trying is because I don’twant them to be as wimpy as I am.

I start the de-wimpification process by attempting to showthat whatever is making my brain hyperventilate is not a big deal. (I wanted to be an actor when I was in JuniorHigh so in a way I’m actually living out a childhood dream.) Usually they see through my attempts but Iflatter myself … not always. (Unless thecreature has wings including butterflies! If it has wings in an enclosed space I am willing tosacrifice any child within reach!)

I’m not really a fan of coming into contact with any animallife … except as food or on TV. Exception: I think kittens are adorable. Cats are tolerable. I’m no longer a teenager so horses hold no allurefor me. Birds scare me. And it goes downhill from there.

And so, it was with delight, that when I opened my frontdoor last week to put Will on his bus, I found a chewed up mouse. A gift from Brianne’s kitty to her. (Consideringthat the cat has been outside for less than a month I’m worried that multiple corpsesof dead birds and rodents will be lovingly placed at my front door!)

I immediately pounded on Brianne’s door, told her I wasleaving in an hour and the bloody corpse better be gone before I had to leaveagain … it was.

On a positive note Brianne is learning responsibilitybecause I take no responsibility for deposing of dead things or finding someoneto feed her cat while we are on vacation.

On a completely unrelated note does anyone want a cat? … Orsmall dead creatures?

Raking in the Dough

2011-07-16T21:55:00.000-04:00

Well, not really. Wehad a garage sale. We split the moneyfive ways. I would have shared withWilliam but 1. He didn’t help at all (seriously, he didn’t even come outside tolook) and 2. He doesn’t care about moneyat all. We each ended up with $22. Six cars came. I don’t think it was a garage sale weekend …but the best part was that after the sale was over we loaded up the van andtook the fantastic stuff that was left to the Salvation Army. So, my garage is partially emptied out. Hurray!

My husband and I blew our part of the money taking the kidsout to dinner.

Globe Update

2011-07-13T22:50:00.001-04:00

Even though I called them again they are still delivering the newspaper. It's funny, every time I call they reassure me that I'm not being charged. That is so not the point. The problem is that I don't have time to read it everyday anymore and it's piling up in my house. I'm turning into one of those people on Horders. (No, not really but man, that's show is freaky! I watched one episode and almost threw up. I can never watch another.)

How about a little whimsy?

2011-07-12T08:37:00.000-04:00

Collection of Interesting Articles and Book List

2011-07-10T21:27:00.001-04:00

I PLAYED THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY: Fascinating concept, and why not have video games that teach you about complex and interesting current events?

TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS: CONSERVATIVES MAY ACTUALLY BE NATURAL LIBERALS AT HEART, OP-ED I’m interested in reading the study.

Knowledge-based gibberish: Those in politics, medicine and business who rely on annoying verbal tics often don’t have their facts straight.

Book List:

I’m interested in a few books on the Parade’s recommended reading list.

Someone Crashed My Fourth of July Party

2011-07-09T10:35:00.000-04:00

I know that technically “It wasn’t MY party,” and yes, I like all the people that came but seriously … I have a few expectations and one of those is that the world revolves around me. For the last several years my personal party planners Tiffanie and Don get up in the wee hours of the morning, schlep a couple coolers of food, a canopy, and a tarp to mark our area and drive into Boston to hold a prime spot for me to watch the fireworks. That way I can mosey my way into Boston at a realistic hour, enjoy an icy drink and watch fireworks with little cleanup before heading home.

But this year the pleasure of my company wasn’t enough apparently (whatever) and four other families came too. Darn it! I had this completely worked out and now these four families are going to tell four families, and those four families are going … I’m watching my sweet deal slip through my fingers. Tiffanie is going to have to bring me a really good treat next year to console me!

The fireworks, of course, were spectacular! This year was much more enjoyable because I left Will at home. I asked Jake if he’d stay home and watch Will and surprisingly he said yes. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I didn’t press my luck by asking, “Are you sure?” I might not have gone this year if I had to bring Will because it was so painful to do last year both literally (because he dug his fingernails into my arms) and figuratively (because of … uh, multiple issues).

We’ll see how many people come next year. I might have follow Tiffanie around and tell people they decided not to go.

Camping

2011-07-04T13:43:00.000-04:00

Subtitle: In a delightful bit of foreshadowing, I asked my husband soon after we arrived and in the middle of cooking dinner, “Do we have any plates?”

Several things went well and several things could have been improved upon. Let’s start with what could have been improved.

1. Checking to see that you have actually brought dishes before arriving at the camp site.

2. Not freezing every water bottle you are planning on bringing.

3. Just because it’s July doesn’t mean it will actually be warm. Next time bring some blankets rather than just sheets!

4. On your list of things to bring – include more items than just food. Because while we definitely had enough food there were plenty of other useful items that would have been helpful. Which brings me to …

5. Don’t forget to bring depends. We were fine. We were overnight accidentless. However, I was so worried about it I schlepped Will over to the bathroom in the middle of the night in the cold. Super fun for both of us.

6. Check where you are in relation to the bathrooms before you make a reservation. Because you might not want to walk down a hill then up a hill to get there. Other families might not want to be close the bathrooms … but we are not other families.

7. Write a social story about camping for Will because he doesn’t like it and will spend half the day sitting in the van, pinching people who wander too close to him and shouting, “no tent!” to anyone who tries to encourage him to sit in the tent. Then at night he will refuse to sleep by himself in his personal airbed because 1. It’s cold! And 2. He’s camping in a tent. He will end up sleeping by his father because he is a really good sport (as opposed to his mother who really, really, really does not want to get peed on!). Then the mother will hear the father complaining that Will is a bed and pillow hog.

8. I have to go back to the need for blankets or a sleeping bag beg because it was so cold the first night that Jake woke up and volunteered to sleep with Will because he was so cold! (Keep in mind Jake would rather sleep on the floor than with Will because he also really, really, really does not want to get peed on!) At which point I volunteered to sleep with Jake because huddling under a beach towel on Will’s airbed just wasn’t cutting it. And I don’t recommend sleeping with Jake because he’s so bony and we fought over the beach towels.

9. The extra-large campfire marshmallows (while looking very appropriate for camping) are not actually that great because the inside is still firm when the outside is ready to eat. Recommendation: Stick to the normal size.

10. Leaving children with instructions to put away the groceries. I still haven’t found the bacon and worse yet, our Friday morning breakfast was baconless!

What went better than could be expected.

1. Rejoicing that the camping box you brought but didn’t check actually had some plastic plates, four cups and some silverware.

2. None of the four airbeds leaked! Woot (because you know if one had leaked , chances are it would have been the one I was using.)

3. Buying blankets at TJ Max. We now have a very attractive set of camping blankets. Let’s see Bri has a High School Musical blanket and Jake has a Transformers blanket. I probably would have lived my whole life without either of those … and now I don’t have to.

4. Bringing games … oh, yes very fun!

5. My husband was laptopless because he just got a new laptop and his wireless card doesn’t work on the new one. So, while he pecked out a few messages on his blackberry he really didn’t work at all. Note to self: Flush wireless card down toilet occasionally.

6. Berry cobbler in a dutch oven. Very tasty.

7. Prepackaging food

8. Camping at a campground with showers. A necessity with William.

9. Remembering to bring tweezers – Brilliant!

Status Updates:

Fatherof4: Complains about being too old to sleep outdoors but I suspect he secretly loves it. Dutch oven food cooker, regrowing a goatee

Motherof4: Stresses over toileting issues/William/camping

Brianne: Had fun

Jake: loves camping, 1 tick removed

William: Delighted to be home

Elizabeth: loves camping, 1 tick removed

Mosquitos: Lonely and hungry

In a moment of weakness

2011-06-30T11:00:00.000-04:00

I agreed to go camping. I used to enjoy it but then we had kids and it got a little more complicated. Several years ago when Jake was a cub scout we signed up for a family weekend campout; but I looked at the tents and realized that William could leave when I was asleep without my knowledge so we didn’t stay the night. My husband took the kids while I stayed home with William for the next couple of years.

So, although I have fears of not going home with the same number of children I come with and even though I’m concerned about toileting issues we are going to a campground at the Cape on Thursday. (If you are prayerful at all, you might want to include me and Will. Oh, and Lizzy because she has delicious blood that ticks prefer.)

The Boston Globe loves me

2011-06-29T23:05:00.000-04:00

I don’t blame it because I am pretty awesome. It just doesn’t want to let me go. I have a newspaper addiction (thanks to my parents and their two newspapers a day habit) I started reading a paper at 16. I economize by only taking one newspaper (even though I really would like two because I’m also interested in local news). But ever since Marcy talked me into serving on two special education PACs (thanks Marcy) I haven’t had time to read the paper and it’s been piling up because I have an addiction and can’t recycle the paper until I read it. I store the unread papers on my dining room chair so I can read while snacking. This has led to me appearing much taller than I previously appeared. While I feel that my newfound height gives me a menacing look that occasionally comes in handy when I’m trying to um … encourage Will to eat non-preferred food items, or while I’m glaring at my children for their atrocious table manners; I feel a little tottery.

(By the way did you know that “tettery” is not actually a word? I know because I looked it up when I was auto corrected. Now I wonder why I thought “tettery” was a word and how often I have used it incorrectly and if anyone noticed.)

So, the newspapers piling up coupled with my husband’s suggestion of cancelling it and buying an iPad for the equivalent of what I spend yearly on my subscription led to my decision to switch to a Sunday only subscription and an electronic subscription.

The Globe stopped delivering a daily paper for a week. Then it started again. I’ve called several times. It’s still coming. I’m only paying for Sunday but they love me so much they don’t want to give me up. My pile disappeared during the week it didn’t come but now it’s piling up again. Because, as with any drug, if it’s in your house it’s hard not to have a taste!

Quandary: we’re going on vacation.

Solution: I called the Globe and put in a vacation stop and restart (yes, for the paper I’m not paying for). They asked if I wanted to donate the paper to their high school reading program.

I said, “Yes.”

Getting Old

2011-06-28T23:05:00.002-04:00

My dad called me today to see if I was alive since I hadn’t posted anything for so long. My kids’ last day of school was last Wednesday and Will’s vacation week is this week … it’s been a little busy. Then my dad told me that he wrote his obituary. I thought it was an awesome idea and told him I was going to write my own as well. I asked him if he had everything else set for his funeral yet. I think he better get on that before Alzheimers sets in. I figure that neither of us will escape it because my grandma had it.

With that in mind I asked him, “How much have you been forgetting lately?”

His response … “Not nearly enough.”

Bri waited in the car

2011-06-22T19:51:00.002-04:00

After picking up Bri from swim practice I had to stop at the grocery store to buy bacon for Jake’s end of the year crew breakfast. She decided to wait in the car because she was … well, wet. When I came back she had changed my phone’s wallpaper to a picture of her making a face.

She had written “lol, hahahaha” on it and changed the background to black. When I remarked on the picture she responded, “you’ll never be able to take the writing off the picture.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because you don’t know how to.”

Freedom is in sight

2011-06-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

Well, at least for the kids. My busy season is fast approaching. Tomorrow is Bri’s last day. Wednesday is Jake’s and Lizzy’s. And Will gets next week off. Bri leaves for a youth trip Thursday morning. And on Friday I’m taking Jake and Lizzy to Six Flags. Marcy’s husband Tom and Dav are coming. Marcy said she didn’t want to go and volunteered to take Will off the bus when she gets Pete. I, not being one to pass on an opportunity, took her up on her offer. I’ll admit I wasn’t looking forward to taking Will without my husband because he pinches at Six Flags … a lot!

Traumatizing Brianne’s Cat

2011-06-17T22:11:00.001-04:00

I think I traumatized Kitty more than she’s ever been in her life and that includes taking her away from her mother! She had a vet appointment and hasn’t ridden in a car for months. I think I thought this car ride would be just like that one but didn’t take into consideration that 1. She’s not a kitten anymore and 2. No one was holding the box on their lap.

I put her in a box. I found a build a bear box. “Perfect!” I thought, “It has a hole so she can breathe and a handle for carrying. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into consideration it was designed for transporting stuffed animals rather than real ones. I buckled the box into a seat and one minute later Kitty came and visited me. How relieved I felt that the box was safe for the ride.

I didn’t take Kitty straight to the vet because I like to complicate things. I dropped her off at my friend Karen’s house she would kitty-sit for an hour. “She can stay in her box for the whole hour.” I offered. Karen said she didn’t need to. That was fortunate because when I tried to put her back into her traveling box she refused. I could have forced her but I really needed a third hand and I only had two available. I carried her into Karen’s house. After watching Lizzy read her Beethoven biography project I returned for the cat. I didn’t try putting her into the box this time, I carried her to the car. But I wrapped myself in a blanket before I picked her up … she hated being in the car.

We got to the vet’s ten minutes early. I carried Kitty into to the waiting room. There were three dogs there! Kitty’s heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would burst from her chest! She was shaking with fear. I took her out. I walked around to the back door to talk to someone. There was another dog! I told them we would wait in the car. We waited for 50 minutes.

She got shots. The office probably smelled like dog. She had to ride in a car multiple times. She was put in a box. She was left with a stranger. She saw 4 DOGS! WORST. DAY. EVER! I tried to pet her yesterday after we got home. She kind of froze with fear. She didn’t run away but was really suspicious. I’m going to have to feed her a significant amount of meat to get her to trust me again.

Priorities

2011-06-15T23:09:00.001-04:00

Why is it that if the fate of the world lay in the balance, able to be saved by the mere act of throwing away an apple core in the garbage Will would drop the core on the ground without a care? Why is he seemingly unable to throw away apple cores, banana peels, empty bags of cereal, chips or marshmallows yet is as likely to throw a fork away as to leave it on the table?

Autism, I have to admit, this is what makes me want to slap you! I don’t care about a lot of physical things, as evidenced by my almost exclusive ten year history of clothes shopping at Target, the fact that I have four children and use to cut my own hair. But autism, I hate cheap silverware. It bends. It doesn’t weigh enough. It just doesn’t feel right. Autism, I had a set of 24 and now I only have seven knives left! Yes, yes I know I should occasionally look through the garbage. It would be like having a smelly Christmas once a day. But I spent 36 years not looking through the garbage and if my history is any guide it will take me over twenty years before I even start to look through it once a week.

Tonight I needed the paddle for my breadmaker. I looked and looked and looked but couldn’t find it and was getting frustrated when I had the thought … “it’s in the garbage.” I looked. It wasn’t in it but I found a bowl. So I went to the garage and sure enough, it was there.

I also have been missing the recipe booklet that came with the breadmaker and I suspect it’s in the garbage too. But I didn’t look for it. The garbage can keep it. And I’m beginning to suspect Will threw away the cordless phone that has been tying up my phone line for three days.

Stopping Time

2011-06-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

I believe I’ve mentioned once or twice that Lizzy is stubborn. That she refuses to put anything in her hair. That she only likes to wear particular clothes. That once she makes up her mind about something it’s pretty much over.

Well, I’m a little conflicted to report that she wore a ribbon flower clip in her hair along with Bri’s old yellow dress, white sweater and heeled sandals. She looked beautiful! I’ve been very frustrated that she wouldn’t let me dress her in Mary Janes and Plaid skirts but instead insists on wearing camouflage shorts, XL Men’s tee-shirts and sneakers intended for boys. And she is all or nothing about her hair. Meaning she either chooses to wear no barrettes or six (a look we all occasionally like to sport).

She’s growing up. She informed me yesterday that she’s “basically in fourth grade.” I want to freeze time. I want to cuddle up with Lizzy and not let her grow up.

But if I have to let her grow up, at least it comes with a hairstyle change.

I blocked the TV

2011-06-11T17:13:00.001-04:00

I’ve decided to have a TVless summer because I’m a super good mother who feeds her children 5 servings of vegetables a day and cares deeply about her children’s behavioral repertoire being filled with reruns of Phineas and Ferb on Netflix rather than reading, math drills, etc. because they were watching so much TV and not doing their jobs and homework ~~and it was pissing me off~~.

Two days later I realize I need to put a code on Will’s iPad to keep Jacob off it because apparently the very real risk of getting pinched by Will for touching precious (his iPad) is outweighed by Jacob’s media addiction! And Lizzy agreed with me that she ~~had a problem~~ was watching too much TV.

Apparently I need to sign up my children for a ten step media addiction program!

I am so very, very proud.[i]

[i]Why do I feel that I need to withdraw my name for consideration for Mother of the Year? I really felt I had it in the bag this year … and now this! It’s really frustrating because I’ve been a mother for 15 years and I still haven’t won. (I suspect the judges are biased. Just sayin’.)

The more I think about it the more I think it was purposeful

2011-06-10T22:51:00.002-04:00

My kids lost one of the cordless phones. It wouldn’t be a problem except they didn’t hang it up before they lost it.

My working assumption is that I haven’t missed an important call for 3 days. Not even the static filled message I didn’t understand but think that he asked me to call him back.

Why do I think they did it on purpose? Oh, because I call the kids as soon as I leave with instructions to clean, do homework, practice the piano or flute and to turn off the TV.

Conversation

2011-06-09T15:29:00.002-04:00

Do you ever wonder if you had the same conversation someone else thinks you had? Or if you just continued it all by yourself … in your brain.

Yes, today was one of those days.

Thinking about Stuff

2011-06-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

… like tornadoes. Marcy and I drove past some broken trees and a couple of highway signs damaged by the tornado on our way to New York. One sign was folded down like a crisp pair of pants hanging on a hanger. The other sign was twisted off to the side, instead of curling over the pike it was bent to the ground and the top part of the sign was nowhere in sight.

Last Wednesday Jake kept track of the tornado for us. He turned on the TV and advised me to prepare. I filled up a pitcher of water and put it in the fridge and brought a battery powered camping lantern upstairs.

I wasn’t worried. I am a mellow person and have never having been in a tornado I lacked respect. In hindsight I think I should have upgraded to a Code Yellow.

Swimming Through Huge Numbers of Tourists

2011-06-04T17:49:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of tourists in New York. We managed to pick a popular time to come. I recommend you come at a different time of year. Last night we saw Mary Poppins. It was really, really good! Surprising. I wouldn't haven chosen to see it but my personal Broadway consultant recommended it. She has seen it twice and said, "Don't think of it as a kid's show.". She was right.

We went to the top of The Rock and All I can say it that's twenty bucks I'll never see again. Recommendation: Don't waste your time. Of course, I'd say the same about Times Square. We just saw Billy Elliot. It was good but the kids use language I wouldn't let my kids use. But the older Billy was such a fantastic ballet dancer that I'm interested in giving ballet a chance. I never liked it but ...

Tonight we are going to see Catch Me If You Can. I liked the movie so I have hopes for the musical.

A big shout out to Toys R Us, my bathroom away from home!

New York with Marcy

2011-06-03T07:13:00.000-04:00

Marcy and I are going to New York again but this time is more complicated. I hurt my ankle on Tuesday loading 500 lbs. of tile into my van. Bri has a doctor appointment today. So I prepared yesterday by going to Target. Because nothing says “Going to New York” to me like buying an outfit at Target!

“When did I get old?”

2011-05-31T22:28:00.000-04:00

My husband asked me yesterday at 6 Flags. “Sweetie, you were born old!” I replied helpfully.

Not true … but I could resist, especially after he added, “I can’t wait until I’m a grandpa and I’ll only be expected to hold bags.”

All the kids, with the exception of William, had a blast! We went with some friends who also have season passes, two teenage boys and a girl for Lizzy. Add a nephew with ASD and it’s almost too perfect.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t. On the drive it started to rain … hard. And as soon as we got out of the van and walked over to the shuttle Will said, “Bathroom please.” There was a line at the shuttle and no bathroom in sight. We started walking and hoped for the best.

Will peed about halfway there.

Poor kid! He really wanted to change his pants but we still had to get into the park. So, I said the person manning the metal detector. “Can we hurry this along I need to change his pants.”

It got better but I didn’t bring Will a change of shoes (I’ll bring some next time!) so, I think he was slightly uncomfortable the whole day. He was exhausted from all the walking and got to the point of responding to any queries about rides, “No, purple rollercoaster!” By the time we left, he was grabbing siblings by the hand to make sure we were all leaving together.

And we had some fantastic Vietnamese food on the way home!

Excuses, Excuses

2011-05-27T21:46:00.002-04:00

I’ve been pretty busy lately. Yeah, with this. Every so often I look up and think, "Where did that hour go?"

Hey, I never said I had a good one.

Blog Gems

2011-05-23T20:34:00.000-04:00

Jillsmo is hosting Blog Gems for Jen. This week's topic is my awesomeness. I assure you I am even if my post isn't.

Guess what sucks about giving yourself a migraine?

2011-05-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

Obviously, not being able to blame anyone else. Last Friday I double scheduled myself … twice. On Wednesday Bri told me her teacher didn’t like her thesis. Since this paper is worth two test scores I suggested she stay after school on Friday to get help. She did and I forgot I needed to pick her up. So it was tight picking her up and I was late getting Will off the bus. Forgetting threw off the rest of my plans because I still needed to go buy food for the scout campout and I didn’t have time to pick up Jake from school.

Then later that evening Lizzy asked me, “mom, do I have flute (pronounced fa-lute) lessons today?”

“Yes, Lizzy you do. Thanks for reminding me. We have to leave in 15 minutes.”

“Mom, my piano recital is in 30 minutes.”

“Oh.”

So, I drove Bri to her piano recital and dropped her off. Will was really upset we left her. He ran to get her when we left but I explained we’d be back and pick her up later. Then we dropped Lizzy off at her fa-lute lesson, luckily her teacher let me bring her over late and fed her dinner too.

Will and I made it back to the recital in time to hear Bri play then I dropped them off at home before I went to get Lizzy.

I’m considering sending Lizzy’s teacher an email complaining about Milo’s mother

2011-05-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

Because there is something very wrong with her! Apparently (please keep in mind this is all second hand from Elizabeth) earlier this week Milo’s sister had a birthday and Milo’s mother thought it would be brilliant to bring in their family pet to show the class and while they were out decided to show Milo’s class as well even though she thought she might get in trouble. Milo has a pig. And now Elizabeth wants a pet pig too!

Good Heavens!

Elizabeth spent the whole day asking me questions like “can I have the litter box when Calypso moves outside?” Or “Can we build a barn?” When I said no, she disappeared for a while and reappeared with red eyes. Thanks Milo’s mom, thanks a lot!

Lizzy thought she could keep the pig in her room. (That’s not as odd as it sounds. I make Bri keep her cat in her room unless a kid is home. Yes, I know BEST CAT OWNER EVER! But hey, at least I would never cut the equivalent of the ends of cat fingers off for my own convenience. That is just nasty!)

Lizzy wants a pig so badly she offered me a deal. “Mom, when the pig gets big you can eat him.”

Yes, she offered to let me slaughter her pig for my breakfast bacon. I have 2 thoughts about that. 1. WOW, she really wants a pig! And 2. I wonder how Calypso would taste? (Kidding Bri! I’m not going to eat your cat.)

Pathetic

2011-05-16T21:20:00.000-04:00

I can’t parallel park. Growing up in the suburbs I never needed to learn. We sublet an apartment in Somerville when we first moved here and I was starting to get the hang of it during the four months we lived there but we moved. (I did get the hang of double parking with my hazards on while unloading groceries quite fast.) And I haven’t really needed to parallel park since I moved.

But Bri wanted to take a piano exam so we need to drive into Chinatown in Boston for a ten minutes exam and I can’t park. Last time Marcy drove us but this year, the time is not as convenient and I need her to get Will off the bus if I don’t get home in time. I asked Cheryl if she would drive us.

Then I thought “Wait a minute! I’ve heard of something called a ‘parking garage.’ Isn’t that what people from the suburbs call parallel parking?” Yes, I found a parking garage close by. Unfortunately, I cannot take that pathetic email that I sent to Cheryl back.

Predictability

2011-05-14T09:43:00.000-04:00

My husband took Jake fishing early this morning. Yesterday, when I told him to do his Saturday jobs, because he wouldn’t want to do them when he got home at 6:00 today, he complained about going. Lizzy said, “Jake you can trade places with me I’m going to thtudnwmtb and working.”

“No, I’ll go with dad.” Jake replied.

Lizzy was serious about trading places but ok with helping me because I’d already told her I’d take her to McDonalds for lunch.

Yes, I bribe Lizzy. No, I don’t care what you think. I’m thrilled I found something to motivate her.

Last Place

2011-05-12T08:54:00.000-04:00

I finished last in the 5K last Saturday. Marcy’s whole family went and she and I walked with Pete. We walked at “autistic kid” pace. That pace varies, of course, with individual kid, traffic, availability of forbidden items, open water, and, of course, the need for speed is always inversely affected by the desire to walk anywhere. Pete’s speed could be properly termed sort of a saunter. (Which means he would lap William on a track because Will ambles.) He walked faster when Marcy walked in front of him holding a chip as an enticement to keep moving. But really the only way he would have gone faster was if we had brought a wheelbarrow and frankly if we had, I would have wanted a ride too.

I walked about a third of the way with them then decided to walk the rest of the course rather than head back so by the time I finished no one even realized I was finishing except Jake. Who, naturally, thought it was hilarious that I was last and wanted to inform everyone of that little tidbit of news until I told him it wasn’t something I wanted to broadcast, after all mentioning the only reason I was last was because I walked really, really slowly during the first part of the “race” doesn’t make it sound any better!

Not My Namesake

2011-05-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

Official Announcement:

My little (though taller) sister had a baby girl last week

Hurray!

Most important announcement:

Although, she was given permission to name said child after me; shockingly and inexplicably she chose not to.

(I'm trying really hard not to be offended!)

She may say that they "already" have a daughter with whose middle name is mine. But as that daughter was named after Mark's mother -- it doesn't count. This is probably the last niece I will have, thus my last chance to have one of my siblings name a daughter after me ... and it hurts.

(The baby's middle name is Elizabeth.)

Blog Gems

2011-05-09T07:35:00.000-04:00

Jen at The King and I is busy taking care of her son, so Looking For Blue Sky is hosting. Here is my gem.

5K

2011-05-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

My friend Katherine called me to make sure we were still on for our drive to New Hampshire to get our hair cut. I assured her we were. She said, “Good luck on your 5K race tomorrow.”

“Walk, 5K walk.” I corrected her.

Running a 5K goes into the same column as eating all my weekly allotment of vegetables from the CSA. The column’s title – “Highly Unlikely. But, yes, I realize it would be good for me.”

If Marcy makes me run she will also move into a different column. The column of “House’s to be Egged.”

Conversation with Jacob

2011-05-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

“Mom, what is this? It’s really good!”

“Cookie dough.”

“Where did you get it?”

“I made it. Would you like to learn how to make it?”

“Yes, don’t you have to start with a brownie or cake mix?”

Clearly my cooking lessons should start post-haste.

Thtudnwmtb Update

2011-05-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

Status Updates:

Motherof4: I’m tired of thtudnwmtb. I’m sick of painting, raking and bagging leaves, ripping up carpet, writing checks and bribing my children with donuts. (Although, I still think that whole “work for donuts” deal rocks! Unrelated note: Dunkin' Donuts had a Royal Wedding donut, which was nice because I might not have realized that the RW was last week. Sadly the over the top coverage in the Globe hadn't tipped me off.)

Status: Chubby. I, unfortunately, have to admit that after days of buying donuts for the kids, on Saturday I broke down and bought one for myself.

THTUDNWMTB: Naked basement, carpet install scheduled, some windows almost replaced, not completely painted, yard cleanup in process.

Chris the Plumber: Richer by many thousands of dollars. Number on speed dial.

Charlie the Plaster: Gave him the wood burning stove in the basement. Passed on his info to Marcy. I think we may be in a break because seriously, we haven’t talked in a while. I’m hurt. Well, not really because last time we talked he told me he was going to vote for Donald Trump and frankly, I’m not sure I can have any kind of relationship with someone who is going to vote for someone who styles his hair in “The Donald.”

Fatherof4: In transit. I’m not sure where he is this week but last week he was in California and Baltimore. His life consists of work, travel, working on thtudnwmtb, paperwork and camping out with scoutlings. Status: Tired

3 of the 4 children: Whiny, sick of working on the house on Saturdays. They have probably eaten close to the equivalent number of donuts in the past several weeks that they ate the previous year.

Remaining Child: Not wearing pants. Ok, not true because he is at school and they make him wear pants. But he wasn’t wearing pants shortly before he left on the bus and then when the bus actually arrived I noticed that he was wearing several cups of peanut butter on his clothes; so, he actually has already worn two pairs of pants today which is more than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime. (I didn’t tell him that he was lucky I didn’t have time to give him his second shower of the morning.)

Marcy: Has found us potentially two renter possibilities. Status: Awesome!

In case you didn't already feel tremendously old

2011-05-01T07:52:00.001-04:00

Now you can. (Unless you are, in fact, quite young. If you are you might spend some time thinking "I've like never even heard of that movie. <3 lol.)

However, being old, I spent some time thinking "Really? That movie came out then." And "closer to the moon landing, huh." Check it out here.

(I tried to insert the cartoon here and posted it, but the picture was too big and you could only see part of it so I took it out.)

I must be too old to figure out technology.

The value of learning a Second Language

2011-04-25T17:01:00.002-04:00

Well, at least then I’d have some idea what Will was prompting me to say. I think it was in Spanish … but I’m not sure because I don’t speak it!